Silent Tears-

I had another nightmare hence why I am up so late. My mother was explaining to someone that “she banged my head these many times” (she being me). How many times did my mother say? I don’t remember. My mother made the motion with her head while explaining this to someone just banging her head repeatedly like I would never/wouldn’t stop. How does this fit into my day? I called my attorney today to beg him to take my case with a correctional officer back because I felt I needed justice. I have been sleeping better since I went and got my bag full of evidence that went untouched, but still have been thinking about the injustice of not even getting my case heard. I think this is how it comes into play: first of all, FEAR. I have let my mom back in my life because it is better than prostituting myself for money. I was on Facebook today and read this post that said this “When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up” (Psalms 21:10). My initial thoughts were blank then that my mother NEVER forsaked me and I could wait for the day when that happened, but after this nightmare I am reminded that she did forsake me a long time ago. My felonies on my record came from me getting arrested first because I physically hurt her and took a sewing machine and beat her on the head with it. She got up on the witness stand and testified against me. I was so far in my bi-polar then I only remember her saying, in court, “she did this…then she did this…” and that is it. This nightmare was like that, but it was happening all over again. I don’t hate her but know this is about her. She likes to play victim. I talked to her today for help getting a Wifi adapter for this nice computer I have, so I can post my entries and help people. So this is what the conversation went like: me telling her where to open her walmart app, her telling me she can’t find the item…oh wait I found it. I don’t know where the cart button is how do I get to the cart? I can’t change your name on the address part, me: do this. It did not go too badly, and it got done so I offered to help her get her McDonald’s app open so she could get her free fries because the Packers won (yay!). It was a longer process as she talked out loud reading the screens the whole time. Her: “I can’t find the view all button…there is no view all.” Then minutes later she finds it. By this time, I am getting frustrated and speaking slow and down to her because she is pretending, she doesn’t “get it.” Then laughs later right when she knows she’s getting to me. She knows what she does, and she has to answer to the Lord one day too. She knows what she is doing but I know she is mentally ill because she talks to herself out loud and she never used to do that. I do that when I just can’t take it anymore because I need to hear my own voice even to be able to think and sometimes that is a stretch. I know she believes she is fine, when she is not, and I know that is part of the mental illness because I have been through that. I am taking at least a week break from her. I allowed 4 days of seeing her because of Thanksgiving, but I asked myself this question…”At what expense is this costing me?” It has cost me spiritual health, has given me spiritual warfare, and now nightmares as well. I need to set internal boundaries and then I need to follow them. That is tough for me, but it is a need now not just a desire to be good for what I say. How to break the cycle of dysfunction when I am dysfunctional and trying to change myself in the relationship, but she wants to stay in the cycle because it gives her power and control over me. It is not an easy task by all means and I still need a job too. I’m overwhelmed (big breath release with stress). Lord would you pick me up and carry me through this since I cannot pick myself up by my bootstraps and act like everything is OK. Would you make me bold to stand up against the darkness of transgender people that I would not fellowship with them or break bread with them like I did on thanksgiving….I could feel the darkness. It is so unpleasant and detrimental to my well-being. Would you help me take time to myself regardless, if others don’t like me because of it? I am getting tired again Praise the Lord (PTL) but can feel the darkness on me from the nightmare. Pain. I ask these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. End.