Silent Tears-

I slept like shit. I feel better than yesterday, but not by much. This happened to me on Tuesday. I was at the pantry and was in line. I had my back turned to people and was facing the man that was checking me in. Some lady was directing people and touch my back. How it stirred up this anger and I heard myself just say please don’t touch me. I didn’t say a word about it. Then I went to a 12-step meeting, and I am used to hugging everyone, but told others there that I wasn’t a hugger anymore. So, I accidentally hugged someone came naturally, wanted to, but when I did it set off my PTSD and to make matters worse, I half hugged a girl later that day. I hear myself but don’t do anything about it. I stuff my feelings and my voice at the expense of not wanting to make others feel bad. First thing I know, I am not responsible for other’s feelings. Honestly fuck others and their feelings, because I was so fearful of offending anyone I suffered yesterday. I had that nightmare and then I spent most of the day lying in bed because I was too tired to think and concentrate. I mean it is my false self that does this, but I am still suffering and mostly at the work of my own hands. If I just would have said please don’t touch me. That little assertiveness would have made a big difference. It is early, and I feel better than yesterday, but my sleep was broken up. I must have woken up almost 10 times. I thought about asking my doctor for meds but remembered that I can take Benadryl and that usually does it. I have been wanting to do this all on my own because I have known for a year that Benadryl is the sleep aid I need but stopped taking it. I was thinking yesterday that I likely need therapy again. The 12-step meetings help but I only get a few minutes to talk. I need someone’s time and attention. The thing is I can’t talk about everything since I broke the law to feed my gambling addiction, and the statute of limitations hasn’t run out yet. I am not helping those assholes put me back in jail where they do whatever the fuck, they want to me and have no consequences when they break the law. I have to keep trying to get an attorney for this C.O. Case because I need my story told win, lose, or draw. The compulsive gambler in me, my WIN…I can win, Lose…I lose a lot…Draw that wouldn’t be so bad I can go play blackjack. I am a sick individual in more than one 12-step program. This is a new day with new possibilities and a blank page. At the end of the day, I can’t rewrite it, but I can write it now. I pray it is a much better day than yesterday. To be continued…End.