Silent Tears-

Deep breath…so much has happened in the last 24 hours. Does anyone remember the Raging Bull ride at Six Flags Great America? That is the kind of emotional ride I have been on in the last 24 hours. I “couldn’t” wait anymore for a job so I decided to call some of the 11 places that I was going to apply at on April 3^rd . The first 3 phone calls were a success because I found out that I didn’t have enough experience to get hired. Then I left a message for another trucking company which they called back but I didn’t have time to talk at that moment. The last phone call I made was to a trucking company near by and he literally offered me a job not filling out an application. I was shocked. I told him I thought it would be a lot harder than that because of my bi-polar and bi-polar episode. I was going to go for it…take the risk and see where it led me. I was set on taking a drug test with only 30 days clean and possibly failing it but trying to trust God with the results. I was stressed about it and it was on my mind driving me nuts what to do. I reached out to a couple people and one called me back and I got to share a nice conversation with a fellow compulsive gambler. It helped me and I helped her. It works that way with 12-step people. Last night I had a nightmare that I failed a drug test and I couldn’t live with that outcome. I needed to make a decision that I could live with the consequences. I was self-willing the shit out of my life and would have risked it all, but this morning I was in Galatians and where I was starting from today spoke the truth about my life and gave me insight to it. I still wasn’t convinced though, so I read a daily mediation book, for women, and it told me that I was restless with my life and that the restlessness would follow me until it is dealt with. That was enough for me but I was still going to show up to meet this guy to just meet and have a connection with him for the future. He said that he needed to change the time to meet and I couldn’t do it so I just told him that I had a doctor’s appointment and that I was going to be going through a med change and that he would be the first person I contact when I am ready to go back to work. I will contact him first because it is the best way for me to get back into trucking. It is located so close to me that I can drive to work from where I live while I would be in training. I didn’t meet with him. The real reason I canceled is because I fear I would fail a drug test and then where would my career be? In the dumpster. I had gone through all theses intense emotions and got up at 04:17 this morning and was torn most of last night just wanting an answer on what to do. The Lord provided an answer, “No,” God’s delay is not God’s denial. It is a yes to go back to truck driving just on God’s terms and timing;not mine. Also I had some “intense fellowship” (that is what us Christian’s call it when you get real with someone and emotions are high) with my best friend and started an conversation that caused me to be on the Batman and Raging Bull at the same time. Phew I am blessed to have been carried through that by the Lord and it still isn’t over yet. One thing I know is real love is not an easy task whether it be in marriage or just that best friend you know is the one who is meant to be by your side through thick and thin. It is very rare to find such friendships. Slow breath. I have come down from a caffeine high and have been emotionally wound up and am trying to calm down and get this all out to you Silent Tears. I just want a break from my emotions and reality of financial struggles. I made my bestie a paint gift for her birthday and it turned out so well that I am going to try to go to a farmer’s market, just once, and sell some of my art. It will be another way to reach people for Jesus and it is therapy to help me get through this rough spot when I usually relapse. Got to bring out all the stops this time for recovery and mental health. I went to 2 different 12-step meetings in the last 24 hours and wow how it has helped me get out what was going on in my head. Sometimes I just need to say things out loud to really hear them and make sense of my thoughts. Reading out loud really helps, so if people make fun of you for doing something that betters you life, like talking to yourself out loud, do it, because they aren’t you and don’t know what you are struggling with. If they think you are crazy just say “I am crazy but what’s the point of being crazy if you can’t have fun with it.” Maybe they will get a laugh and I hope that brings a freedom and joy to you. It does for me. I mean, hey, I am crazy and life is too short not to have some fun even if it looks odd to others, but I am odd too. That is just part of not being normal. I met a really great girl who likes the weird me. I have only met one person who I knew liked the weird me at Mendota. I wish so much to see her again, but likely won’t be able to. She was too scared to even give me her last name which is ok with me because I didn’t know what/who was after her but there was fear there why she didn’t feel comfortable sharing her information with me. Well anyways I met another girl today who likes the weird me. We have a great connection already. Just that same energy and excitement. Me it’s my bi-polar manic highs and anxiety and it comes out in my words and behavior I am learning what is my bi-polar and what is actually me. This s**t ain’t easy. Praise the Lord I am on disability to help me get back some of what I lost mentally and emotionally. I don’t plan on staying on it though…hell no this is not the life for me. I think that is it for now. Time to go smoke a cigarette. To be continued…End.