Silent Tears-

So much has happened and I have shared nothing of it with you. I have been lying to myself that I just need to live my life, but I miss hearing my own voice and knowing that I am growing by way of what comes out in my journaling. I can’t say I will change this, but I can say I am writing today. I have been going to a lot of a specific fellowship for a 12-step group, and I realized today that I have caused myself a little harm. I was avoiding dealing with the real issue which is me and the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional home. It affected me then and sadly still affects me today. So, I have made it through my first week of my new truck driving job. It wasn’t easy and I failed some, but I also am picking it up again. I do make progress every day and that is my real goal. I have been trying to be perfect again and I set myself up to fail. I have also been lying to myself saying “I just want to do my job,” but then choosing not to do it. I have still been emotionally intoxicated when my goal is now emotional sobriety. When I get addicted to certain feelings that is a problem. I need to feel what is real. Feel the pain, so I can enjoy the good, not live in a fantasy land. I am being a little harsh, but I do see my error in the way I have been living internally. My job is actually going well besides the fact that I wanted to quit and get a “better” job. This job is what I NEED. I want more money and that is why I wanted out, but I cannot serve God and mammon at the same time. I was kindly reminded today that life and/or jobs are not always about the money. I am very blessed today to have this job and to have gotten through the first week without getting fired. I need to slow down in the yard …my boss said. I still need to learn this lesson of obedience, and it is starting with obeying my boss’ will. I need to get out of my own way. I am right where I am meant to be and Jesus is meeting me right where I am at. I am not lost I am called into the presence of God and into the painful refining fire. I have asked to be able to endure this as I know it is so painful, but I also know in the fire is when God is walking with me in the fire. That is what I really lost in this last bi-polar episode and my relapses. I lost Jesus. He is back now waiting for me and I am ready. This job is proof that He is still working in my life. I am all over the place again and reacting not acting. I give up on changing, to go back to old behaviors, that feel comfortable but cause me so much pain. It is time to live with a passion for life again and step into my destiny to walk alone and with God in His presence. I listened to Billy Graham today. His sermons really move me. Tomorrow is a day of rest. Just staying home. I have all I need to get me through the work week, and I need down time so that I can go again for next week. May the Lord Jesus Christ get all the Glory. Amen.