Silent Tears-

Oh the pain today. It is so great that I don’t even know how to explain it. I cried today from pain building up and having no where to go with it and having not processed it right away. I am still stuffing. I started apologizing again for no necessary reason. I feel like I have so much in my head that I don’t know what to do. Overwhelemed to the point of it being paralyzing. I don’t know how I am going to be able to work. I keep telling myself just show up every day. If I feel tired keep going. If I don’t think I can do it try anyways. I simply have to show up and let God do the rest. I am set apart and called to walk alone. Which is lonely and painful but someday God will lift me up for his purpose. I do believe that you, Silent Tears, are my purpose along with truck driving and like all things that God wants me to do I fight it. I don’t do it even though I know to do it. I don’t want the responsibilty. I want to stay like a teenager with no actual cares or responsibility. Just do whatever I want to when I want to. I masturbated yesterday and I had sexual abuse nightmares. It feels so unfair. I am a 39 year old woman and my body actually desires sex and when I do it an enjoy it there are still repercutions like nightmares. I have no desire to write anymore but I am telling myself it is not that I “have to” write every day it is just that I have to not stop writing at all. I wish…I am tired of wishing. I want this life to end and be in heaven with Jesus. I don’t believe I have done enough good though. I would like to do more good before I leave. I know what is coming for me in truck driving. Separation from people, rejection but still have a job. God wants to get me alone to rely solely on Him. He will take all people out of my life to do this. I am not ok with that today because I thought about drinking today. I did tell myself that it would just make every thing worse and then I didn’t want to drink anymore. I will take that victory. Everything about my day sucks. I started off with a 12-step meeting not my bible. That threw me off. Then I went for a walk to try and get out of my bad mood and my sponsor calls me and all she does is talk. It was so annoying my time and life would have went better today if I could have just went for a walk and enjoyed my music. I let people get in my way because I don’t want to offend or reject them but then I suffer. This is not ok with me any more. I want my trueself to come out all the time. I feel like I can’t get that right either. I mean no one can do me like me that is the beauty of being a human no one can do Dezaray only I can, so I get to determine what is me and what is not. And I have not been true to who I am. I am going to try to get out of this rut and go for another walk. To be continued..End.