Silent Tears-

I haven’t written in almost 2 weeks. I have the lost the strong desire to help myself cope by way writing in my journal. I won’t condemn myself like I have been and this is why. I am learning how to live again and start anew. The point isn’t to be so immersed in this that I forget to live my life. The goal for me is to not give up. I want to give up and wash my hands of this responsibility but I choose not to no matter how long is goes without writing. So much has happened. I went to work for a safety meeting I had some really hard days. The kind where you can’t escape the pain no matter what you do. Where my prayers are tears. I think writing this way won’t help anyone though or not like it could if I were to continue to write in the moment. I have decided to go back to a notebook because I can’t take this desktop with me over the road, as a truck driver, but I can take a notebook with me. I do this a lot. I start something with so much passion and intensity and then don’t finish. A habit I need to break. I am actually having a good day today. I have been in a low and a lot of pain so this is a nice change. I start my new job on Monday, the 28^th, and am really excited. I had to take a urine drug test yesterday and I was so nervous. I took one and actually dropped the cup in the toilet and had to retake the test. I think it was for the best though. It was really watered down so if there was any THC in my urine it likely won’t get detected. It has been 67 days today since I last took a drink or drug and by attending 12-step meetings I will also have two months from gambling on the 3^rd of May. It has not been easy, and it has been with a lot of pain. Inspite of the pain my life has gotten so much better. I am realizing that God wants me to be a truck driver again to get me alone and to hear His voice. He wants to refine me into a virtuous woman instead of the woman I made myself out to be. I am not a bad person. I am a broken person, and God will take the broken pieces of my life and make a beautiful masterpiece. I have to remind myself that my sin has changed me. But my sin has also humbled me. I can choose to be humble, or I can be humbled by God. I ask God to give me a humble heart, so I don’t sin like I used to. I have repented of my sins, but this is not a one-time event. It is a daily requirement to following Jesus. I still am not where I want to be. My one male neighbor brought two chairs to set on the porch, and it is too cluttered. My other neighbor that I used with wanted the one chair in one spot and I wanted it in another. I kept moving it to where I wanted, then she would move it to where she wanted it. It went back and forth like this a few times. Then it made me boil with anger. I knew it was petty, but I couldn’t let it go. I ended up asking my male neighbor to remove one of the chairs he said that my other neighbor had already asked him to do this. If I just would have let it go and not control the situation I would have grown. This shows me how I need to grow and that I am not where I want to be, but I am doing much better than where I just was. I had a nice conversation with another Christian woman in recovery. It was unexpected and a beautiful thing. I had told her about my night in prison, and she told me that room does exist and how correctional officers do certain things to be able to do what they did to me. She knows this because she was a correctional officer. I was so validated. I didn’t feel crazy about it anymore. I was comforted by the Holy Spirit too. I actually prayed that those who did that to me will burn in hell for eternity. I really don’t want to be in heaven sitting next to someone who has abused me. I have been doing a lot more praying and reading in my bible every morning. It has helped me become more spiritually healthy although I am still sick. Life is good not pain free but good. To be continued…End.