Silent Tears-

So much has happened in this past week and I haven’t written it all down to help others. I have kept it to myself wanting to believe that I have life and I don’t need help anymore. I want to live MY way again and that has proven to be an epic fail every time. I am changing is the great thing. I went to a rummage sale with my mother and only bought 2 items instead of the many I could have bought. When I went to go pay, I took my items along with the two price tags that had been on them. The lady told me that she needed them, and I got them and said here you go. No big deal, right? A normal interaction. Here is where the miracle is, I didn’t apologize. I am one of those people who has apologized for every little thing I do wrong and today the change showed up in my life. It is a miracle today because every time I have done something in the past that I apologized for I had internalized it as “my fault”. And this is not the case anymore. I was at a 12-step meeting the other night and they asked what would you say to your younger self about life. My response was “It is not your fault”. For most of my life I have felt unwanted and like a burden mainly because my mother had an affair with a married man and got me. Her exact words…” I slept with your father one time and got you.” I wasn’t planned. It wasn’t a celebration at my arrival in this world. I was just there. Some scars don’t heal. What I know today. I know that God wanted me and He wanted me bad because I am rare. When I look at myself and I see all my struggles…prison, mental health, sexual abuse, rape, molestation, drug addiction, gambling addiction and dysfunctional upbringing I see them all as bad and most days that lives in my head that way. But some days, like today, God reminds me that all those experiences wrapped up in one person is a person that is rare to find in addition to being a Christian. And in all rarity, there is great value. I know that I am called to be single in this life and am OK with that. For a long time I wasn’t. I have recently masturbated thinking of my soul mate which I actually enjoy. To be clear I have had sex and enough times, but I never really enjoyed it. It was just something I did to try and be normal because normal people have sex. I can laugh at this today, praise the Lord, but sex is usually just sex until one day with that one person it is Eros. Eros is where the word erotic comes from and God has created Eros as one of his 3 types of love. To be even more clear my soul mate has never touched me, but I have had better sex with him then any living person. When real love is there, you can’t deny that you love that person even if it means giving up your dream to be with them knowing that they can have what they need and want in another person. I could never do or give him what he has with his wife. I am blessed that he has her and not me. After God revealed this to me today that I am happy for him and it is because I love him. Jesus gave me this insight, “Jesus knows how to win my heart every time.” I have cried out to God in tears over this and expressed my anger to God and towards God because having one man who only loves me was what I really wanted, but now that I realize I could never be intimate with him I am blessed he has love in his life because that is what he needs.

It is hard to go on writing without falling apart. I don’t want to cry about it again. I know pain is coming my way in my life because God is setting me apart again to refine my soul to be repentant and obedient. These are things God will use to prepare me for eternity and a life with my soul mate. I will be clear here as well. I believe that God is writing my love story with this person by things we did not do and how God will get the glory and a reflection of God’s love will be shown in us when we are together in the kingdom age. Sound crazy? My response: what is the point of being crazy if you can’t have a little fun with it. In all truth I could be wrong. We may never be together, but I know I will see him again and I know that I love him so that is good enough for me. God will do the rest. I don’t have to even worry about it. God knows what he is doing and God is a God of love and would never deny me a love that comes from Him even with a man. And yes he is a man. There is a difference between looking like a man and BEING a man. Oh boy I could go far with that but I won’t. 🙂 Obviously he has been on my heart a lot today part of the reason is I don’t want to look at myself and my own behaviors I would just prefer to live in a fantasy land and yes some is fantasy because that is when I do the thinking of him when I am controlling and obsessing about him. There are times when it comes from God and I know because the feelings are way different and I have a peace about it all. God gives me little nuggets of love with him to keep me going and encouraged that there is a perfect life, body, mind, and a crown for me in the next life. What an exciting thing to know that one day this life riddled with pain, sorrow and tears will one day be a never again. That one day I will be able to be intimate with my soul mate, bear his children, and rule as king and queen as God has designed life to be. Jesus is the only way. The only way to heaven and eternal life. There is no budging on that one. My best defense is with all the religions in the world, however many there are, isn’t it safe to say that someone has to be wrong? Maybe? Ponder it. If you have a big problem with the name of Jesus Christ, ask yourself why? If you knew this one thing would seal, your eternity for a life of hell or a life of heaven why not jump off the cliff and say Jesus I want you. Jesus, I need you to save me? He is waiting patiently for you. I will end with the lecture. I will say I have to work tomorrow for the first time in just over two years and I am excited. I am also practicing self-care today and not doing a lot that will wear me out so that I can be prepared for work tomorrow. This is my dream and dreams do come true. My new task is not to quit on Jesus again. I am promised pain and trials, but it is all temporary. I am in a godly mood today. It has not been so this past week. I went to the doctors on the 9^th and had a PTSD attack doing an X-ray I was so fucken pissed. I listened to my best hate song on repeat. PTSD is no joke! It is like you are living in the hell in real life. It doesn’t matter what reality is. The trauma becomes your reality in the moment and tortures your soul. Things I hope you never have to experience but if you do, know you are not alone. I suffer from it a lot. It lives in my head when I am awake and even worse when I am sleeping and have nightmares. This may seem silly, but I actually sleep better with a teddy bear. Having the comforting touch and knowing I don’t have to fear the touch of my teddy bear helps me. If you think this is childish…fuck you…you don’t get it because you don’t know. You have never experienced this so zip your lips. I actually like when this part of me comes out because I have stuffed it inside my whole life. Seriously some people do need to be told to fuck off. Mind you this comes from me and I don’t like people but I am a people pleaser and working on changing that. To be continued…End.