Silent Tears-

I don’t have the desire to write anymore but know I need to. So much is happening and I am not writing it down to help others. My life is coming back to me. I finally got my doctor to put me on the 200mg dosage of wellbrutrin and I have my life back. I still have trouble sleeping but it has been a lot better the last few days now that I am taking benadryl to help me sleep. I taking more than the doctor’s recommendation but I know I need that much and am not willing to mess around with my mental health and different medicine when I know the benadryl will work. I talked to a fellow member of a 12-step program I am in. It was nice. She is a truck driver too. I really like that about her. There are somethings that she understands that others won’t unless they are a truck driver. I have peace today. I am telling myself that I am scared to start work but I am not. I have peace. I am afraid that I will fail but either way God will get me to where he wants me. I just want this to be the place I am meant to be at long term. It doesn’t seem that way though but I know it is what I need right now. My goal is to stay a year and build a good reference. He doesn’t provide refrigerators or APU’s for his drivers. I believed I really need an APU because it will help me sleep, but after talking to this lady I am not going to invest in one. I could invest thousands of dollars for him to fire me the next day. Plus I need money for a new apartment, a new vehicle, and an attorney. I am going to hire an attorney to sue the correctional officer who abused me. I have to even if I don’t win. I need to stand up for myself. It is hurting me that I can’t trust myself with money. That I will have all this income but I still will have to answer to my mother. I know it is what I need though and that it is temporary. I am so excited to start working. After talking to this lady today I have more confidence that I can do this. I do have a sponsor now and am doing some work in my recovery so that is wonderful. I am slowly re-parenting myself. I have to learn to take my life one day at a time. I get caught up in the future or the past and lose the joy of living in the present. I miss my Blackey (my cat). I am learning the tough truths about using with him and how I treated him. I am happy about my best friend not being in my life anymore because I am not on a emotional roller coaster ride every day. God will take care of her and he will bring the right women into my life. What is lacking in my life is conscious contact with God. I need to talk to God every day and that is however I have to do it…out loud, in my head, on my knees just talk to him and tell Him what is going on. He is not to busy for me and He wants to know about me and my life. I want to know me, my true self, who I really am. I am pretty calm right now. I had nightmares last night. I won’t go into detail but it was about people molesting children and me as a child. It was horrific. I hate that I have to live this way. I know where it came from. I laid on my back and masturbated yesterday and while I was doing it my body started to tremble. I told myself I was fine but the end result was nightmares. This is one reason I am happy I can’t be with my soul mate on this earth. I could never give him what he has. I could never make love with out having issues in some way. It is easier not to do anything but being a 39 year old woman my body has needs. I don’t want to have these needs but it is apart of being a woman. I pray Lord that I never marry and I never have children. I wish I would have “saved myself” after meeting my soul mate but I betrayed what I love I believed in. I can’t take it back. I wish sometimes that my whole life could be taken back. Why others are so blessed and I suffer so much I don’t know. God has a purpose that I just don’t know about. I think you will be taking the back burner Silent Tears. One because you already have and two I want to put everything I got into doing this job. I have spent the last three days with my mother and I didn’t want to see her today but I had to in order to drop off my car at the mechanic for an oil change. Here is the progress and the real miracle she got on my nerves the whole time she opened her big mouth (yes I am angry that I have to deal with her) but I didn’t lash out or snap at her. I just stayed quiet and let her talk and ignored most of what she said. I am changing and that is the best gift I have today. I forgot to mention after I masturbated yesterday I immediately cried, because I can never experience the act of making love with my soul mate. My life seems so unfair. I hope that there is some kind of reward for every tear I have cried and every ounce of pain I have felt because in heaven that would make me very wealthy, but I am not God I don’t get to decide on that. I am ready to work. I am ready to leave all the drugs, alcohol, gambling, and horrible relationships behind me. I am ready to grow and become an adult. It only took 39 years.

I am a hard learner. I went to the Christian school of hard knocks. Being disobedient until it hurts so much that the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. I am happy though. I am moving on from letting my disability define what I can and cannot do. I can work. I might not be the best at it, but I can show up every day. This job is a gift from God, and I don’t want to waste it. To be continued…End.