Silent Tears-

I am crying tears of joy today. You would think it would be the truck driving job I got or that I am finally back on all my medicine but it is not. It was getting to help another person who is struggling with mental health. I am humbled to be so blessed to have my disorder, addictions, and dysfunction that can bring another soul out of their darkness and into some light. I do not mean this in a religious way but the darkness of not being you. A darkness that you have not chosen but over takes your life that you had and sucks the life out of you. There is hope. There is medicine to help. There are 12-step programs to help you with whatever you struggle with. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a journal entry and honestly that means its been too long. A lot has happened. I kicked my best friend out of my life because she didn’t respect me and used me for my heart as her friend. I have realized that she is unwilling to change who she is that way. I am not strong enough to put my needs before our relationship so it had to go. Am I sad?Yes. Am I angry?Yes. Am I hurt?Yes. Is our relationship repairable? No. She hurt me too much and for the last time. I had the best day mentally. I had ended up in the emergency room on Tuesday and it was hell. Thank the Lord for the ER and the medicine to counter act the medicine that was hurting. Medicine is a great thing but if you are on the wrong medicine it IS a terrible thing. You lose yourself. I have learned that my medicine is not supposed to manage me. It is supposed to make my mental health and it symptoms manageable. I finally have that back. Sleep is still touchy but I have found a solution for that. Not doctor recommended but not violating the rules of the medicine. Not drug abuse but manipulation, taking more dosage at a time of benadryl but taking the amount of pills in the 24 hour period time. I have made the decision that if that is all it is going to take for me to sleep at night it is worth it because that means I don’t need more psych meds then what I have been taking. I feel good. I did get a truck driving job who is willing to work with my bi-polar and a start date as well. I have a safety meeting on April 12^th and I am excited. I start work on April 28^th and I know it is going to be a possibility for me to be successful at this job. However, I have been thinking about a quit date and I haven’t even started the job yet. This is the self sabotage I do. I really don’t want a job just to quit 6 months or a year later. I want to be gainfully employed. I want stability. I told God that if He got me a job I wouldn’t quit because I wouldn’t quit on Him, so it is my chance to be good for my word when I have failed my whole life at that. I am writing less but I am also participating in my life today. Still need you Silent Tears. I am gaining my own love and my own validation which is worth way more than anyone elses opinion of me. My opinion matters first to me. Still working on it…One day at a time. A lot of the time it is moment by moment but I am doing it. A lot of time what you intend to do doesn’t matter as much as what you actually do. Be a doer, Dezaray. Do the thing. Whatever that thing is for me. Recovery 1^st then work because I won’t have any life without recovery. And if I don’t have a job I will still have recovery. I am a blessed human being, grateful for my life today and I want to LIVE not just survive. With love, to be continued…End.