Silent Tears-

Today has been an interesting day. I went to a mental health drop in center, in Green Bay, and I went for an arts and crafts group. I learned I am a writer, an artsy fartsy person, who loves cigarettes and coffee and hanging out in my pajamas. So I went to a 12-step meeting afterwards and got my 30 day clean tag (drugs and alcohol). Then I went back to the drop in center and I had two issues there. There was this on guy who wanted to watch me do my art work and asked if he could. I said, “No. That is weird.” So a good way to stand up for myself but it made me very uncomfortable and I didn’t like the feelings that went with it. It actually made me screw up an art project I was working on. Then I had another guy come up to me and ask me for a cigarette. I said, “Yes”, because I have been there, but then he kept asking and I ended up giving him 5 cigarettes. This made me anxious because I can’t afford cigarettes. My mother is buying them for me. Then I realized I was people pleasing. I wasn’t prepared to be asked for something so my usually say yes for anybody kicked in (false self) and I realized I wasn’t paying attention to my own needs. When I got my 30 day key tag I had to reject hugs and at the end of the meeting we gathered in a group hug and the guy who wanted to hug me had grabbed my whole arm. I wanted to just move my arm but I didn’t because I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable about it. Then I realized it just hurts me that much more. This is why I don’t like to go out of my apartment…people and boundaries. So it has been a tougher day this way and internal struggle. I have worked on you, Silent Tears, and reread some of my journal entries prior to my most recent relapses. I had God, I had the Holy Spirit, but I didn’t have acceptance or positive people in my circle. I remember those feelings of feeling all alone. I don’t feel like that anymore because I am in 12-step meetings where I am being social all the time. I go to 2-3 meetings a day and boy does it help deal with my thoughts and feelings which can defeat me and have defeated me before. It feels like I am more accepted by those with addictions and mental health than the believers at my church. They just have perfect lives and don’t understand because they have not had the struggles I have had. I am happy to have you as an outlet today. I also realized how excited I was to start Silent Tears but also how I stopped putting effort into getting all my entries on the website. I have that cycle…starting off with a lot of enthusiasm but then bailing on doing the work. I do know the Lord wants me to do this, but I also can’t live the way I have been living with drugs, alcohol, gambling, poverty, pantries, and isolation. It is just not good for me. So I am trusting the Lord to work everything out with truck driving and you, Silent Tears, because I know He will work it out no matter what I do. Things always turn out even when you don’t see a way. If there is a will there is a way and God has a will so there will always be a way in His divine plan. I got this new bible! My best friend gave it to me. It is a NLT version and is a journal bible with all sorts of encouraging scripture I can color. I love it, I can read my bible and bring the artsy me into it. Fellowshiping with God in a personal way. To be continued…End.