Silent Tears-

I wish I would have come to you sooner. I let things build up and I got to a point with my emotions that I wanted to use. Thank God, that I did not. This comes from my relationship with my best friend and now old best friend and that is the way it will stay. We were talking over Facebook messenger and I wanted to take a break for a day and she was upset with that. I was talking to her about her and how she had wronged me. Her initial response was two pictures. She said she was too busy to respond and I was understanding until she had messaged me multiple times and never took the time to respond. I had went to an anger focused meeting and I absolutely needed that. I was so ANGRY that she was so important to me but I wasn’t as important to her. I had made her an art gift for her birthday and she had told me she didn’t want it now because she thinks the only reason I made it for her was because of how I have treated her. THAT BITCH! I literally made that gift from my heart for her birthday because I was so happy she was back in my life. I had to be told that I don’t need her in my life. The sick me doesn’t want to be abandoned by her so I would sacrifice myself for our relationship and that is where the real problem is for me. Putting others thoughts, opinions, beliefs about me, all before my own. That I own and will change. She won’t change though and she is not willing to humble herself to find a sponsor to work the 12-steps with. I believed I could help her but once I called her out on her shit and kicked her out then she let out the truth that I snapped on her when it was just me being me. I can be a bitch but I like that part of me. Do you know how long I have pleased other people and sacrificed my own personality just to believe that someone cared about me. I am at the point where the only thing that needs to matter to me is my own thoughts feelings and beliefs. I look for external validation. When I reparent myself and validate my own feelings and behaviors then I am feeling the love I deserve. Forget everything I am complaining about with her and realize that sometimes for the relationship to continue it is just not worth it. I am disappionted that I wasn’t the loving and caring Dezaray. I was the No, No, You don’t fuck with me Dezaray, but I chose to so I could protect myself from her. I am still angry about it because she said some pretty hurtful words and did it intentionally. The reason I am so angry is that it hurts. Usually when I am angry it is because I am hurt. I think it is sad that I had to be told I don’t need her instead of just believing myself when I said it to myself. Either way I deserve better and am more valuable than rubies and not a slave for someone to boss around. Being a servant is different that a slave. A servant has freedom a slave does not. When I am in a relationship with her I feel like a slave. I feel beneath her and that will never work out well for either of us. I hope to get out of my head today and stay in the good mood I got in after I talked with a guy at the mental health drop in center. Sometimes it doesn’t matter if it is a woman or a man just some one who will really give you attention and hear what you are saying. Thank you to this man you know who you are and stay cool, brother. To be continued…End.