Silent Tears-

What a bad day I had yesterday. The pain…from ending the relationship with my best friend. The pain of my feelings being hurt and not validated. I went to my mother about to cry looking for comfort and she just can’t give it to me. She can’t be there for me emotionally or mentally when I need it the most. I know this already, so why do I keep giving her chances to hurt me, like my life isn’t bad enough without her dismissing my feelings. Anyways I knew it wouldn’t work out with my ex-bestie because she didn’t respect me or look at her part in hurting me last year. I held on to HER words for hope not the words of God or not my own words. I was putting all my emotionally energy into healing our relationship and being for there for her, but she wasn’t there for me. I felt like I definitely put my heart into it again and it just isn’t worth the work or heart ache. Sometimes I have to make these decisions and live with the consequences. I have to make these decisions for my mental, emotional, and spiritual health. It was nice to think I had someone who would be there but, in the end, she took a big dig at me and just trashed me verbally and refused to take accountability for her actions. I just don’t want her in my life. It can never go back to the way it was, and I wanted it to but then I realized I wanted things to change because I felt more like her slave than her friend. “God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me.” I can’t change her I can only change myself. Enough about her what was my part in it? I acted out with my inner teen who is impulsive and destroys a lot of my life. However, I made that decision, and I made it in confidence that I was doing what was best for me and that I couldn’t just tolerate how she treated me anymore. She actually was blaming me for the way she treated me. Using Dr. Phil’s words. Well guess what you lost your ability to hurt me and abuse me by using me for my love. On the upside. I did get a job yesterday. I can’t start yet because I can’t pass a drug test, but I used going through a med change as an excuse. It is valid I am going through a med change and do need to wait but I would start tomorrow if I knew I could pass a drug test. I don’t know how long it will last. I am aiming for at least a year, but this is one of my problems wanting to end things before they even start. I realized today that I get overly enthusiastic and the drive to do it passes and then I just don’t care and more and don’t follow through. It is the excitement I am addicted to and when that excitement passes, I bail. I haven’t been sleeping a lot since my med change, but I have a lot of energy now which helps me so much. I feel like I have myself and my mind back. However, between 16:00-17:00 the meds where off and I lose my shit mentally and yesterday emotionally. I know that my body and mind need sleep, but I am not going to get it during the day. My quality of sleep has improved, and I am sleeping naturally which is a huge blessing. I think I need more sleep though. My body and mind are still adjusting to the medication change now so ONE DAY AT A TIME. To be continued…End.