Silent Tears-

I am emotionally tired, not drained, just tired. Today is my mother’s birthday and I went to her place after going to a Catholic church here in town. I spent almost all day with her and only had a moment of conflict right in the beginning. She was telling me about her private parts, and I told her she has to have a filter, and I walked away because that crosses a huge boundary with me. She told me not to yell at her, and I didn’t but apologized anyways so she would feel better. That is where my true self gets stuffed and I am a false self. I wouldn’t apologize I would be clear that I wasn’t yelling at her and that SHE crossed a boundary and she needs to respect it. Sounds great hunh? I wish I was that skilled at it to say it in the moment out loud, but I don’t. I people please to save face and arguments. Anyways I am tired now and it is almost time to take my meds. I had a good day with my mother but still feels like a burden on my shoulders because I carry all that “stuff” from the past with me in her presence. Then I get home and then I feel the weight of being around her. I complain because of the amount of pain that THIS is causing me in my insides today. However, I am happy that I spent a lot of time with her today on her birthday because it is going to be one of the few left, I have with her where she is out and about. She is losing it mentally and can’t see it and that is part of having mental issues you don’t get it, you think you are fine, but you are not. Simply put how can you tell an alcoholic he is an alcoholic if he doesn’t see it? You can’t. they have to come to the conclusion on their own usually with a lot of pain prior to seeing their issues. I have been there…I have done that. It is a scary place to be when your world crumbles down to the ground around you and you can’t understand why everything is happening to you. Any ways I didn’t have a lot of negative feelings today and I went to a meeting this morning so I am chalking this up on the score board as a win. To be continued…End.