Silent Tears-

I have to write about this. So, my best friend is coming back into my life, and she used to be my sponsor. When we had reconnected last year, I asked her to be my sponsor and she said “No,” Now that I have found my way back to the rooms my natural response is for me to work with her again. I was literally thinking her name and hearing it every time I asked myself, “who should be my sponsor?” I told myself she was gone and that was the end of it. Then shortly after, like a week or so, she messaged me. So, I thought that maybe she’s meant to be that for me again. I have recently decided that she is not to have the position of power in my life. I think this comes from God and him wanting me to be bold and stand firm and He knows that I let my best friend persuade my thoughts sometimes so much that I choose her answer and response over my own. So, I have been attending 12-step meetings and found a girl that I respect. I have been texting her the past couple days and we finally got to talk over the phone. She doesn’t believe in Jesus yet believes in Yeshua, but still claims to be a Christian, she smokes pot and I actually think she was high and getting high talking to me. She also is a self-claimed oracle, psychic, and prophetess. WHOAH! My picker is broken. If you don’t know what that means it simply means that I always pick the wrong type of person to be in relationships with romantic or not. I am floored how hard this is going to be to find what I once had in my best friend. Can she be my fellow traveler/sponsor again? I don’t think so. Things have changed, I have changed, and she has changed. She is catholic and I am not called to be catholic although I wanted to be for all the wrong reasons…a man. I am not riding that choo choo train tonight. Today has been a very emotional day. I woke up early because my cat woke me up then he wouldn’t stop attacking me, and then he scratched my face. I have decided to give him up because he deserves better. I can’t take care of myself still and need his emotional support, but it is not fair to him or me for us to stay this way. So, I tried taking him to the humane society, but they do it by appointment only and I didn’t have an appointment, so I just brought him home. I put him in an add on Craigslist and hopefully he will get a good home. I preferred this emotional upheaval and chaotic day over sanity. That is how sick I am. I feel all better now that I have made it through the day and feel back to my old self. Strong…that is the old me so strong you could kill someone in front of me, and I wouldn’t shed a tear. I actually watched a live video of a stabbing in another country. I watched them both alive, the one stab the other about 5 times, and the stabber getting shot by authorities. I could see them both die. They both were moving their hands then both of their hands fell to the ground as they lost their lives. I haven’t cried about that. I pretty much have no feelings at all about it. That is the scary part. I disassociate so well that I don’t even shed a tear when I watch something like that. Long day. Hard day. Self-inflicted pain day. Starting over emotionally. It is just like a relapse. I feel just like I did when I was using a month ago. Dark and empty without God. However, I know that God is with me and he has never left me…EVER! I just wish Jesus was here in person. But I need to follow Him even though He is not here. Gentle reminder I am a sinner, that is why I sin. This is what the bible has to say about false prophets/prophetess’ Mat. 7:15 NKJV “Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly are ravenous wolves.” Mat 24:24 NKJV “For false Christs and false prophets will rise and show great signs and wonders to deceive, if possible, even the elect.” 2Peter 2:1 “But there were also false prophets among the people, even as there will be false teachers among you, who will secretly bring in destructive heresies, even denying the Lord who bought them, [and] bring on themselves swift destruction.” That is no joke someone telling me I actual am a prophetess. That is black and white in the word of God. Feel free to look up all verses with reference to false prophets. Beware good heart-ed people that you choose wisely what you believe in in this life because it determines your eternity. To be continued…End. End @ 17:51