Silent Tears-

I have been on the edge of my seat all day, feeling anxious and excited. I am emotionally drained from it but still going strong. I took a big step today I reached out to a woman in a 12-step recovery program to help me through the 12 steps. I am so nervous. I haven’t been able to talk to her yet over the phone, but I am hoping to be able to connect tonight yet. Most of my problems are emotional and that effects my mental health. I saw my mother today and didn’t have such a hard time with it but literally spent 5 minutes with her. I am so tired of feeling emotionally bankrupt. There is not a quick fix it is going to be a process of working through the 12-steps. However, I am making meetings and getting good information in my head so that is a great change, not just left alone to my own mind which can’t be trusted. I had a confrontation with my best friend today. She is trying to push her religion, Catholicism, and I just can’t agree with it. I know she chose it to be with her husband because Catholics can only marry other Catholics. There is a lot of pain with her. I felt angry today at her because she didn’t like my thoughts on a prayer video she sent me. Honestly the prayer sounded more like a repetitive chant than an actual prayer from the heart and soul like it is meant to be. I get it she has found her solution to her problems, but I can’t agree with it. There is a warning in the bible to those who add to the word of God and those who take from the word of God. It is my opinion that the Catholic bible has added words to the word of God. I am happy I am not in her shoes. I always wanted to be married but am blessed that I am not. I couldn’t be a good wife or mother I have too much dysfunction in me. I count myself blessed. I have decided as an adult, not a teenage response of defiance, that I will go back to work as a truck driver. I have said this before because I longed for a way out of my problems especially financially, but this time it feels different. I told myself that I don’t know when I will be ready to work again. Then I felt that I have been holding on to my old self so much that it has been stopping me from starting over and being a new person, someone I have never been before. I felt my inner teen taking control of the situation on the basis of rebellion and defiance to authority figures and my mother now that I gave her control over my finances. The choice to be a truck driver before came with a hardened heart and a lot of negative emotions. I made a decision as an adult that it is my responsibility to provide for myself. That is enough for me. Also, I spoke with my cousin today and she suggested to make a pros and cons list, so I did. There were almost equal pros and cons, but the pros weighed in with more. Also, I don’t know if I will be good or bad at working again, but I took this into account that the healthy risk of taking a job as a truck driver is worth it even if I fail again. Why? Because I am worth it. I am worthy of financial peace and to be prosperous. I can succeed especially if I get out of my own way and not overthink things which I am really good at right now. My perfectionism is coming out in my self-talk and is such a burden on me. It is like I can do nothing right, but I know that is not true. Deep breath with a lot of stress. I am still in a dark place and not fully recovered my last relapse but there is hope and I can do things no matter what my mother says, no matter what anyone says because I am a capable person worthy of self-love. Self-love to me right now is to take a stand against what seem to be the impossible…a normal job. 🙂 I am not normal though and never will be.

I tell ya some people really have it so good to have had a normal childhood with parents who were there for them emotionally and psychologically. I still feel like I got the short end of the stick but maybe God will make it up to me in eternity. I sure hope so, because I feel like all this pain is unnecessary, but he knows better than I. With hope to be continued…End.