Silent Tears-

I am emotionally exhausted. I have lost my emotional sobriety from spending money and hanging out with my mother. That is why I want her out of my life so badly. I can’t hang out with her without suffering emotionally. It doesn’t help that I spent money on non-necessities either because it caused me so much anxiety and stress. I woke up with an emotional hangover and my negative emotions carried into today. This is one reason why I have gambled, to escape the pain of my emotions and feeling defeated by not getting anywhere. It brought me right back to how I felt when I leave to go gamble. The feelings are just too much. I also feel like I am going to break into a million little pieces from the intensity of my emotions and pain. So, yesterday I just had this urge to paint because I have really enjoyed it at the drop-in center I have gone to, but it became more of a job and inconvenience to take hours out of my day with my mother just to get the stuff to gamble. I think this is a good learning opportunity for me. I will learn that if I can’t stop gambling completely and regain control of my finances that this is the way it will be, using it as motivation to change. I also will learn to detach from my mother with love for myself. I must learn that to have self-control and respect my own boundaries I set within myself. It feels so good to write and get this out. I have been carrying a lot without writing the past couple days and the burden is great and heavy now. I have been going to about 3 12-step meetings a day with the exception of yesterday and it just kills me. I am weak mentally again and just want out of my feelings. Relapse no longer needs to be a part of my story. I can do this one day at a time. The biggest problem I have is living in the future not in the here and now. I want to solve all my problems at once. Money problems with a job, quitting smoking while also quitting gambling, eating healthy while trying to stop gambling and outside problems like my apartment. These things I can do but not all at once. Consistency and patience are key. Patience with myself and consistently quit gambling and work on the other addictive behaviors later, one at a time. I am overwhelmed. I do have 25 days clean! WHOOO HOOO! In 5 more days, I will have 30 days clean from drugs and alcohol, and the drugs should be out of my system. I want a job today because I want the financial stress to be relieved but giving myself a bigger income isn’t going to solve my money problems. It will likely trigger me to gamble, and my life would just become so much worse. I could lose a job and never get a job again. I have enrolled myself in therapy again to have a neutral person who I can tell most things to. A person who I can regularly share my feelings with and who knows what is happening in my life. I have the recovery meeting but speaking time is limited. I am not complaining or putting down the groups I simply need more at this time, so I will give myself more. It will set a good foundation of recovery to build upon and help me go back to work. I cannot have a foundation built solely on recovery; I need God. I seem to leave Him out just wanting to feel better, but I forget that He makes me feel just as good as a meeting if not better. Thank you, Silent Tears, for being here for me. I need to come to you more even though I am doing a lot of recovery. This is where I can let it all out and work through my thoughts. To be continued…End.