Silent Tears-

It has been a hard day. I just want to be able to work again and I am forced to the belief that I just can’t do it today. I just want to say, “I DON’T CARE!” and want to apply for a truck driving job anyway. This is coming from a place where I am not content with my life. I’m not content with sitting on my ass praying I get better enough to be successful at a job when I may never get better, and do you know how long it took me to get better before?… Years. Multiple years. There is not that much time left between now and the rapture. How am I supposed to wait a whole year to be able to get a truck driving job. I got offered a job at a franchise pizza place but declined it because I didn’t think it would be good for me, and I was/am waiting on a response from a local pizza place. How am I supposed to live in this world without money? How do I get a job for the Lord, but get one because I need money? Money is my main stressor. I have about $14,000 just in credit card debit and $50,000 in student loans. I don’t want to sit on my ass as this stress and pressure just get worse and I have to wait until I get better, and that day may never come. At least it feels like it will never come. I realized today I have been in a low, and since the end of August. This is how I get: so depressed that nothing is going my way, and in my eyes, right. Desperate to just do anything to make myself feel better and when I don’t have something that makes me feel better, I do whatever I want to feel better. Like using, gambling, shopping, new job, new hairdo, food, anything to just feel different then the darkness and hopelessness I feel. I currently want to go back with the Altima I bought and now when I don’t have a dime, now I want to buy the Ford Explorer. I hate this. I will never be happy going on this way, but happiness has never lasted in my life. It is always a temporary state of mind which needs to be filled by something else after the happiness of say buying a new Ford Explorer would end. I am getting no where fast and in to more debt day by day. I have debt waiting for me in January and in April with taxes. I despise this. I hate money but need it to have my needs met and live some kind of life. I can’t live with myself on this mistake of squandering away my back pay for disobedient mistakes. So how to live now? In constant poverty? Do you know what it is like to desire more out of life and be completely stuck in the low of the low’s of the world? Do you know how hard it is to fight to be able to have a full-time job and Lord willing keep it? When “normal” people can jsut do it. They get up and go to there jobs as a routine and have lives like it is nothing. Then in their dreams they never have to work and in my dreams that’s all I want to do is work, and have half of what some normal people have. I always end up at the question WHY? God never gives me an answer, but I feel so much better if I can plead the question, “WHY?”, like my whole life is and injustice. I often have desired to never have had life. Asking God, “Why didn’t you say I am just going to skip this one.” If I could make you feel the pain and trauma of my whole life to help you understand, I would, but there is no way one person can understand the pain I have felt for 39 years of my life. Someone always has it better, and someone always has it worse, but any validation that my life would have been better left undone would comfort me. But… I know God has a reason and a purpose, but again my purpose is to be a truck driver so why hold out? Why wait? Winter. I had a year break from driving. It is not like it used to be simply because I am not like I used to be. I really relate to Toby Mac’s song Faithfully…I am half the woman I once was, and I can’t go back with anything I have said or done to this point in my life. I can only hope for a better future, but it looks bleak today. Maybe distorted perception…my life is horrible because I drive a piece of shit car…perspective some people don’t have a car. My life is going on in hell and it’s never going to stop…the rapture is likely to happen within the next few years. Yeah…perspective…, here is even bigger perspective I don’t want the positive side I just want to sit in my shit and cry about it. Cry like a child because I can’t have what I want and be normal. End.