Silent Tears-

I am very depressed today. I want to die. I am bound in my failures with money. All I want to do is go back with what I did. I had gotten $25,000 in backpay after a bi-polar episode where I committed 3 felonies and ended up back in Mendota Mental Health Institution. So, I got the back pay. I found this 2020 Nissan Altima for $13,999 in Waukegan. IL. I found it and went down with a friend because I thought it was something fun to do together. Well, we got down there and someone else was test driving it and going to buy it. I was so angry I wanted to say just let them have it, but I didn’t. It had things wrong with it like the volume button didn’t work right on the stereo and the cruise control didn’t work. Also, the breaks wobbled. I paid the sticker price for them to fix the breaks and all they did was shave down the rotors to “fix” the wobbling. When I was driving it, after I purchased, the transmission slipped. Nissans are known for the transmissions to drop because they have a CVT transmission. I went back to IL to return it. I could have flipped it and made my money back but decided against it as it would just make it someone else’s problem. While I owned if for 3 whole days. I scuffed the bumper. Long story short I lost $3,600 on the deal. I am beating myself up for it today as I sit here hating my 2007 Honda Civic that is a piece of shit now after I was in an accident that totaled it and an off-road journey doing damage to my car. The rest of the money I bought the Honda and the rest I gambled it all away. The shame, guilt and anger I have for my foolishness hurts. I want to be dead today. I keep on myself…why didn’t I buy the Ford Explorer I was looking at for $14,000 same price much better vehicle. I wanted one for a few years and could never afford a nice one. Now that opportunity is gone, and I am stuck financially. The bondage, the feeling trapped in this life, I am so miserable again. Ugh! The pain of my stupidity. Also, why didn’t I bring my mom along? This is why, I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do with the money and not hear a damn thing about it and so I got what I wanted. Now though the consequences are so painful as I start up my POS every day. How I wish I would have obeyed that voice that told me repeatedly not to and just let someone else have it. A costly mistake I have to learn to live with. Still suffering from my mistakes and bi-polar actions. End.