Silent Tears-

Wow what a new low today I saw in myself. So, I am in this sick dysfunctional cycle with my mother. Let me try to help you understand. So, my mom has always “helped me out” with money. She has never said no to me even as a kid at least that is my distorted perception of it. She has said no many times especially as a kid and as a kid I would always beg for what I wanted or needed and then she would give it to me. I just got it now that this is why I still do this today. So, I have a need this month, my cat, Blackey, needs food. I have it figured in my budget on the every dollar app, although I have never stuck to a budge yet. I am trying something new since everything I have done especially with $25,000 hasn’t worked for me yet. So, I figured in $45 for his canned food and liter. I needed $48 as soon as possible to buy the domain and start my blog, and I just didn’t have it. I sold an item on Facebook and giving out the ABC’s of salvation with them. I worked for Maurice’s and Lane Bryant and had a passion for fashion (rhymed 🙂 ), but couldn’t make a career out of it. It was more for a woman who was married and needed to make extra money. So, what I do is find name brand and/or stylish clothes for cheap and resell them on Facebook to make a profit. I am not making millions here and it takes a lot of time, but the real payoff will be, hopefully, seeing these people one day in heaven for eternity. It is a way to make some extra cash and reach people. Back to budget and mom. I asked my mom if she would buy Blackey his cat food this month so that I could free up $48 to buy the domain, and go official with my blog, and she said yes. So, I didn’t have to beg this time. However, my part of dysfunction in this relationship has been revealed to me this year and it’s, I am bad. How is it that I am 39 years old and begging my mother for cigarettes and fabric softener? I am co-dependent that way. It is so stressing me out right now. This is how financial stress makes me physically sick too. This is when I want to tell God “I can’t wait to be a truck driver!”… “I need a job NOW!” I also bargain with my mother if you get me this, I’ll pay you this but never keep my word. That is bad. Truth, is I have almost never been able to support myself with one exception, truck driving. It was so freeing to be able to buy Bounty paper towel and Ziploc baggies on my own. To be able to afford and actual normal, well kept apartment. I had a patio with sliding doors to go out of. I had an air conditioner with my own remote. I had a stove with an oven light not to mention all the burners worked. I had a shower drain that wasn’t clogged and I didn’t have to shower in water up to my ankles. I mean just a normal, nice apartment that I could afford $915 a month. That was the only time, and it went sour. I surrendered my apartment to my landlord because I couldn’t afford to pay rent. Long story, don’t worry I will get there one day to share it with you. So, that was the one time I could support myself. It seems like heaven and a faraway place now. I have been on a roller coaster ride today with my emotions. I can account it to my bi-polar, but I am still trying to figure out what is my bi-polar and what is me being unwilling to do things. I watched my pastor today and the message was clear: God’s got my back and he will swallow up my enemies for me. Then I was happy and hungry, so I turned on the TV to watch a movie and started watching “Home Alone”. Then I was remembering the America I grew up in, and how there were rich and poor, or people I thought were rich. And in the movie, they have this nice big house and going on a vacation on Christmas to Paris. And it brought me so low again. It is like I get kicked in the face with a golf shoe every time I see in a movie normal people with money. It is like… I wish I had that, normal. Now That I was all low again, I called my mother wanting to go over to her place and get Blackey’s food and ask if she could buy me fabric softener just to not feel the pain. The pain of my mistakes, the pain of poverty, the pain of inability to “have” nice things, a warm felt home, and actual house. I have only lived in a house once, in foster care. I guess I might never get to my point today about with my mother. I don’t think I want to deal with it yet, although I have made it clear to myself that’s all I want to do with her is change myself and therefore end the cycle that I am in with her. I beg, I plead, until finally she gets me what I want. Just like a child, an adult child. If you know you are in a dysfunctional relationship there is a 12 step program for that it is called Adult Children of Alcoholics and other Dysfunctional Families (ACA). It was the only 12 step program that had profound insight into why I was the way I was/am. I am getting long winded with my 3rd entry today. I think it’s just been a bad day and finally I have someone to listen, you, Silent Tears. It has always helped me to get it out and not hold anything in. I personally am beyond full of stress that I just snap now. Life is just that hard for me today.

That is the best tear drop I can make today. Has to be good enough it’s all I got today. End.