Silent Tears-

I can’t sleep, I am tired, but I keep hearing my own voice with songs in broken lyrics. I hear my own voice trying to help me grow. It is like now I am mentally well enough to hear my own voice to guide me, but all day I have just been having thoughts wandering aimlessly in my mind. Today I wanted to take my meds and I naturally just walked into the kitchen. I thought to myself what am I doing in the kitchen?…my meds are in the living room and so is my drink to take them. This is what I mean acting without thinking. My mind is in control of me, and I feel defenseless and helpless against it. I literally have been repeating a part of a verse “taking every thought captive into the obedience of Christ” (2 Cor. 10:5). I have repeated it to myself over and over and I get no peace. My voice just overpowers the silence, and my head doesn’t shut up. Hence why I can’t sleep. I swept the floor today and yelled at my cat as he was trying to play with the broom as I was sweeping. you know it is hard enough for me to overcome the burden of keeping my apartment clean and when he does this it makes it that much harder. Seems stupid or not real, but I assure you it is not stupid and is very real. There is nothing stupid about my feelings of stress that make my life hard to bear especially mentally. I have been praying for that attorney to call me tomorrow. I forgot about it for a few days and needed it back on my mind, so I say the right things. Sometimes the stress is so much that the words just don’t come out right. For me it is my bi-polar as well. My brain operates faster than I do, and thoughts and words are incomplete. Even in texting I will miss a letter but hit the letter after it in the word as to skip part of the word. When it is hard to communicate especially in a text, there is a huge issue. So…what can I do about it now? Not sure. That is why I came to you Silent Tears. You help me so much just let it out how I need to. Even if my words don’t make sense or I jump form topic to topic you are here for me…I am here for me. I did lie in bed tonight and feel my feelings, but it took all day from my first entry to get there… “I bought my ticket for the long way around.” I definitely got admission to the school of hard knocks. Where you fight everything until you are completely defeated and forced to let it go and surrender. I love that Silent Tears is mine. There are a lot of web pages and Facebook pages, but it is me that makes the difference. This doesn’t come from a place of pride, but a gift to me from God that I am special, and I am what makes “Silent Tears” special. There are books too. 🙂 I was called to write a book “Silent Tears,” but I told God no. So here I am now with a blog instead. You know this is my purpose for the next year…to heal…to write…to connect with people in a social way that doesn’t cause me to have a melt down every time there is confrontation. It’s sometimes just as simple as DRAMA. I hate drama. I have a personality disorder. I believe the diagnosis was anti-social personality disorder. I keep it simple…I don’t like people. I can be likable and get along, but then I am not genuine to who I am because I don’t have a voice. I stay silent. I don’t speak my mind or the truth. You know telling someone the truth that is hard and painful, but saying it in a loving way, is one of the most profound presences of love in a relationship. No matter how one responds, now, doesn’t mean years later they won’t thank you for what you said to them. Anyone can tell you what you want to hear or even a textbook societal belief, but a loving person…someone who really cares they will tell you the hard stuff even the stuff they know you won’t like to hear. I have had one woman friend like this and never a man. I don’t want to ride that choo choo train. tonight, so I’ll end. (I talk about riding a choo choo trains as if to say following that thought with its emotions). So, I am off this choo choo train tonight and off to smoke a cigarette. End.