Silent Tears-

This is when I need you. When I just can’t take it anymore mentally. When I still have a choice in what I say and do, but also when I want to just let my tongue fly. I have to sell my truck. I knew to sell my truck, but I wanted more financial peace, and I thought having more money would do it. the $2,500 from my car, about $900 is going to fix my truck…sad face. I still haven’t learned to just obey and trust…in God and not my own power. Deep breath with light stress. I am going to have to go without a vehicle for a while and that is not smart. I need to be driving this winter to get more experience driving again. I was in institutions and did not drive for almost a whole year. My truck is falling apart. The bed is just hanging on and the frame is getting rusted out too. I did not want to do this, but I have to sell it to get what I need from it financially. Lots of people do this. I lost $3,600 on a 2020 Altima that the transmission was slipping and instead of making it someone else’s problem I took a huge hit. So, here I am doing it this time, because I have to.

I spent most of the day with my mom. A very bad idea, but I needed to so I could get shit done. This is how I know I made another mistake selling my car. As I spent time with my mom today, I noticed her trying to hang on to what she knows, so she doesn’t feel like she is falling apart. I sat there listening, judging, and hating it, but on the other hand I am doing the same thing. Trying to get back what life was like before my bi-polar episode. Trying to regain mental strength. So, I sat there as the hypocrite I am. I did not say anything to her, but near the end I wanted to just flip out on her…again…and I did not. I showed some growth today that way. It actually helped me understand more about myself and what I am going through. How do you hang on to your mental health though when you know it is just not there? I have no solution to this. I do know praying makes me feel relief instantly when I am done. I slept 10 long and good hours last night and what should have been a day spent alone, and healing was spent in stress from life and being around my mother. The thing is I know I need space and time in-between when I talk to her, but I intentionally don’t, I engage in the sick cycle. It is so strong and present in me. Why I told my mom I didn’t want her in my life a little over a month ago, it was because I couldn’t handle this exact same thing. I NEED to stop playing psychological games, whether I know it or not, and give myself what I NEED instead of what I WANT. This is going to suck being without a vehicle. I do need to slow down though and take care of myself, so this is the hard way, but I will get what I need. Forcibly. I’ll end.