Silent Tears-

Wow! What a rollercoaster ride. I gave my information to a credit car dealership, and they called me right away. I got approved for a loan without a co-signer, but interest is 21%. I want to get it because it is easy. Just say yes and it is mine. It is worse than not being able to afford it. I would literally have a 2021 Ford Explorer fully insured and it would just sit in my driveway. Not to mention I wouldn’t be able to afford cigarettes on top of toilet paper. So, knowing that, I applied at my bank for a loan, and I went big right away, with a $16,000 loan. I know I will get denied, but in the process, I found a 2016 Ford explorer private seller for $9,000. It is a pretty good deal. However, I still need to be approved without a co-signer. I think my mom would try, but she is disabled too, she does work though, but that puts a lot of stress on her. I don’t want to do that. I just want what I want again and trying everything to just have something nice. I know not to go through a credit dealership it is a TRAP, but here I sit in my heart of hearts like a kid at the candy store just waiting for a parent to pay so I can have a treat. I am childish this way. That is why they call me an Adult Child (Adult Children of Alcoholics and other Dysfunctional Families-ACA). So, what am I going to do? If I get denied by the bank and can’t get a co-signer just take the one at the credit dealership? Probably, that is the sad part…I mean I KNOW! I KNOW NOT to. At what point will I surrender and obey? I don’t know maybe it is this time. I can now that I am writing about it instead of just making the decision and landing on quicksand. I am high on bi-polar. A high in bi-polar is like being on cocaine. I am already sped up so fast with emotions, and with my brain. I don’t need drugs I am naturally high… and low. A low is like a come down off drugs, but the come down is off emotions. It does get really dark in here. I came up with this to explain a low…”Sometimes I walk alone in the dark without knowing where I am going, but there is a pin hole of light shining on me from somewhere.” I can be surrounded by darkness and see that light somewhere or worse when I am in such darkness that there is no light and that is when I want to take my life. When it gets that dark, it does from time to time, I react… without caring about consequences, because otherwise I die on the inside. Better said I am dying on the inside so any solution will do to stop me from taking my own life. When I am at the point where I see a little light, I start begging, praying and begging to the Lord to help me. He does, I have been suicidal in the past month and haven’t taken my life or been in a mental health institution. I have taken back my bag of evidence from the attorney though and that is killing me on the inside. How I wish I wouldn’t have and how I hope for grace from Him. Well, I am hoping to land on solid ground tomorrow. I need prayer. No one will read this to request prayer,

so, I will do the best with what I am capable of today and that is all I can do at this point. If I could just get a job as a truck driver, I would be better off but the Lord said, “No.” Not never just not yet. His delay is my protection. I felt protected once my landlord has violated the laws concerning my insect infestation. He IS protecting me all the way through. I need to do my part this time and take a no for an answer. I will let you know how it goes. I will for sure be in a high tomorrow too while still being in a low about my life and its circumstances. End.