Silent Tears-

I can’t sleep imagine that. I am lying in bed thinking about the sermon I watched today. It was on what or who takes the place of Jesus in my life. I have found that answer today… things. Things like vehicles, apartment, money in general, and my future. So, all these things compete with God for my time. I literally desire to think of these things other than God because these are “fun” things. However, they are things of this world and become my idols over God. I get so much anxiety over them too; it steals my peace and joy. These things I want I think will make me happy and they do. The happiness is a temporary state of mind. Real love of life is joy. Satan comes to steal, kill and destroy. He is having success in my life by stealing my sanity. I rarely have peace because I associate peace with a calm mind with clarity and logic. I don’t have that all the time like I used to. I have moments of it. Moments when I feel put together. Moments when I feel like myself. Moments I want to last forever. I think about this man who I have considered my soul mate and the feelings I get when I think of him are love, but it doesn’t come from me it comes from God. I can tell because I have never felt these feelings like this for a man before. I want those moments to last forever. There is hope because believers in Jesus will live for eternity together and at least I would get to know him. The fun thing is God in infinite and as I, a human, I am finite, but this man being human is finite and I can learn everything about him in eternity. It does hurt that he loves another. I never wanted that. I always wanted one man to love me and only me. Thats life…you can’t always get what you want. I have cried about this and cried out to God about it, but it still doesn’t change the situation. My tears do bring healing though and I thought of it this way. I may never get all his love, but he could be the only one I ever love. Semi-perfect, maybe as perfect as it can get with a fallen world first and then heaven following. I have been pondering what if at the creation of the world before Lucifer took half the angles with him, what if me and this man had been together at the beginning? It brings me joy to think about me standing next to him, holding hands and once the angles had fallen that both are hearts said never take my God from me and someday, we end up together in heaven. These are just thoughts though. I can’t prove any of that. Hmm…back to a fantasy. Fantasy can be an addiction all in itself. I have to be careful with that. That can deceive my heart and lead me into another broker heart if I ever found out that wasn’t real. It is real to me because it is my feelings but that don’t make it the truth AND feelings aren’t facts. I’ll end. Hoping to get some sleep. End.