Silent Tears-

I have a lot on my mind today. I did it… I went and picked up my truck from Appleton and I have decided NOT to get that 2021 Ford Explorer. I couldn’t get approved for loan from the bank no real surprise there. So, I have to sell my truck anyways alter sticking the profit I made off my car into the truck. This time my baby sells.

I will be without a vehicle for a while and then this comes to mind…”What the hell was I thinking selling my car??? Laughter with stress. I just want to feel anything but the way I am feeling. Again, I got what I wanted but now come the consequences and I have to live with them this time. I hung out with my mom most of the day. That has been like 4 days in a row now. I can tell. I can tell the first day then it’s like I get comfortable in the dysfunctional stuff mainly because I have been doing it my whole life. I know it is not good for me to spend this much time with her because I regress to the person I used to be. I fell it too and the authentic me is nowhere to be found. It hurts.

Something unexpected came up today about my biological father. My mom is about money. I think mainly it is because she has been on disability for a long time and has struggled with it that long. She brought up my…father. A father is a man with a position of power in the child’s life…Dad is a loving way for a man to claim the position of power in a child’s life, but the child would have adoration for that man and in turn calling him Dad. Like a child longing for his father with crying out dad. I have never claimed a father or dad in my lifetime simply because a man has never held this position in my life, so in turn I have neither. So, for arguments sake I will say father. My mom brought up how I can collect off his social security benefits because I am disabled. This is her crazies and her choo choo train to follow not mine. But I did take it on automatically with not even thinking about my own thoughts on it. She said that he worked for the railroad too and I can collect off that at any time. Back up a moment, my mom thought he might have died too, so then I would get survivor benefits. I realized that I had taken this on as my responsibility and I gave her the paperwork and told her you know about this, so you are going to explain to them what you are talking about. before we went to the social security office. My mother told me that there was a court order when I was 16 that my biological father wanted his name on my birth certificate. I was a minor and my mother didn’t allow this That was eye opening today and somewhat painful. When I questioned her, before we went to the social security office, she said I can collect of my father’s railroad retirement at any time that he doesn’t have to be dead. I then said Well can’t you do that? She replied that my biological father didn’t marry her and that she would not disrespect the man’s name who is on there, one of her ex-husbands. So, I said even if it prevents me from getting money. I forget her response there might not have been one. Then while we were in the car I realized I don’t need her to change my fathers name on the birth certificate, nor do I need her permission. I can do that on my own. Then a lot came to my mind after leaving the socail security office and saying to my mom so “just pray he dies.” I didn’t have fellings attached to that, but that seems wrong in my eyes. I thought about it some more and I have decided to get my biological fathers name on my birth certificate and call tomorrow about it in Ohio where I was born. Then I realized that he likely will be able to get my current address and phone number if I do that. Then what if he calls me?…then what? What would I say? I remembered the one time I called him as a child in middle school and I for through to him and said “hello”, then I said, “I am your daughter,” then he said, “I don’t know you.” This was a source of fear of rejection my whole life and quite frankly still is. So…how would I respond? I thought that if he called me that it would take A LOT of courage, and I wouldn’t reject him I would just say that to him. Letting out stressful breath. It scared me as a child, but I do have the capacity to forgive now. I haven’t prayed about it yet, but I will before bed. I don’t want you to think this is all about money. I think having his name on my birth certificate could be an ice breaker after never meeting him my whole life. If there was a railroad benefit for me, it wouldn’t take money from him. I don’t know. I will see how everything plays out. I feel sick right now mentally. I relate it to not spending time alone or time with God. Instead filling myself with anxiety over things of this world like a Ford Explorer. Silent Tears you are not and running yet and I got my Wi-Fi router today. IT is a stone from Satan meant to keep me from doing this. Writing and hopefully giving hope to others. I hope that if anyone reads this that they will get comfort from it, knowing they are not the only one who suffers from these typed of things even if the person defines themselves as normal. We all suffer just in different ways. I need to feel my feelings on this and get out of this cloud of emotional sickness, so I can breathe again. I lose a little bit of myself when I do this. When I hang around people. When I hang around people it is all about conversation and engaging with each other. When it is just me, I don’t have so much stress. I don’t have peace all the time and I am not content with my life so when I am in a rut I hang out with my mom and/or others to not think and feel my pain. I run. Then later I want nothing to do with these people. Best question here…How the hell do you have relationships in this life? Especially ones that last 2 years…5 years…lifetime…??? I don’t know. I envy those people who have stayed in their hometowns and have known people for 35 years…I wish I could have that, but I am not capable I will just let go and move on until the next person comes in my life. It is sad in away but less painful. At least that’s what I think and what I know. Well, I have a lot of nothing to do and -18-degree weather is here tomorrow, so I am FORCED to stay home. Aww man, I have to go out tomorrow and help my neighbor. That is alright it will be a fun memory to make. The maintenance man texted me today the spray for the Japanese beetles came. LOL…he can do whatever he likes now. I will just smile and be really kind about it like there is no problem because I know the law is on my side. In black and white he broke the law, so I AND the rent money I pay is protected. However, I still can’t afford to live here paying utilities on top of $735 a month but it is a start AND God is protecting me, so I feel secure about it. PTL! Thank you, Jesus. I will end with an Amen. End.