Silent Tears-

I am crying silently today. My mom helped me go get a car and it hurt me. I am hearing my own voice but in a different tone and manner of speaking. It is a voice I have heard before when the depth of my pain can’t be expressed, and it comes out in different forms. This is one of the ways: I heard her condemn me today for something I was saying, and she had a different opinion about it, and she just had to be right. Instead of arguing I just say, “you’re right” and it works. She stops arguing with me. It was constant today though. She was complaining about Scott Walker and how he took money away from getting our roads fixed and he damaged our school system. I asked her how long he has been out of office she said before Tony Evers, about 4 years. My thoughts…4 years later and you are still going on about this? Also, the schools today are teaching the children and teenagers to be socialist. Everything should be free for everyone. We are a capitalist country and have been since the beginning, that is why we have been the greatest country ever seen and the corrupt people want to take down our country to have POWER. You may disagree and I welcome you to believe what you want but suggest watching the movies “Agenda” and “Agenda 2: The masters of Deceit” by Curtis Bowers. Those changed my life…internally. I bought this car today a 2010 Ford Focus for $625…that is right $625, and it is not a beater. It has some rust on the frame and need a new thermostat to have heat, but it is nicer than my Honda Civic I had, not to mention quieter. I heard some lyrics on KLOVE today that the struggle keeps me honest. That hit me deep considering I just made a mistake selling my Honda for less than what it was actually worth and then I set myself up to struggle. Struggling with losing money over the Honda Kept me honest with making a deal with this guy for the Focus. I was going to go look at it and discussed it with him and planned to go look at it. Then I thought instead of investing in the car I could do better with $1,000 on a different one. Well, I was wrong. this is a blessing. It came from the Lord because I need to be able to get to church. My relationship with the Lord has been suffering since Thanksgiving when there were no services for a week. I have not even prayed before I go to bed and when I wake up. I am suffering more than just from hanging out with my mom. I am suffering in my relationship with the Lord that makes hanging out with my mother that much more difficult. I do love my mother, and I was taught to forgive from our relationship, so it is not all bad just learning how to keep myself sane and still have a relationship with her. This car will help also so I can be independent again. Ugh! What a week. I am coming of a bi-polar high and it is rough. I wish I wasn’t like this, but it is the life I got. So, I have learned sometimes it’s not about how much you have or how good you have it, but more about what you do with what you got. Play the hand you are dealt and do your best…your best to grow. I am emotionally and mentally drained. I am looking forward to sleep tonight, if I can. I forgot to get an anxiety med today and now I am out. I am going to end with a thank you to the Lord for being good to me that I will be able to get to church again and not be a sitting duck for Satan. Amen. End.