Silent Tears-

I have just had a nightmare. It is about 12:30, and I have just woken up, smoked a cigarette, and now I am here. The nightmare…I fell asleep yesterday, 12/12/2024 and woke up in February 2025. This is a recurring nightmare, but this time it was different, though…because of you, Silent Tears. I had woken up and first seen my neighbor and my cat, Blackey. Blackey was big and fat. They told me he was mean. In the dream, when I awoke in 2025, I woke up exactly in the same place I left, with all my things in the same place. I went upstairs, and to “my room” (though not my apartment) my mother was in it, and we fought right away. I was told that…what happened was that I was in a pumpkin (something for Halloween) and that my eyes had rolled back. I had no recollection of that or of anything that happened for those days when I “slept.” At first, I did not know what my mom and I were fighting about, probably the usual arguments we have that are petty, but then it came to you, Silent Tears. You had never been published or read. I had asked for my journals, telling my mom what they looked like and how many there were. She said they were gone, and then I had found the notebooks soaked in water so the ink had faded and couldn’t be read. I was devastated. I asked about my new car, and they had sold it. I was angry. I was also riding in a car with a lady who I thought was my mother, but she looked nothing like her. The lady driving also told me, after I asked about my car and what would I drive. She said she was thinking about giving me her car. She said a name of the car, but I can’t remember it. Then I asked what happened to my car. They said they sold it to this girl and whoever it was I didn’t like her and couldn’t believe that they did that…TO me. All of it felt like betrayal. Then my mom while driving told me she wanted to be a boy. At one point in the nightmare, I grabbed her on the top of her arms and shook her gently telling her “You want to be a boy?” She said, “Yes.” Then I told her that she will go to HELL, and I told her about another dream I had. That I could remember the dream so vividly. I explained that there were balls of fire crashing into the earth that they looked like flaming asteroids. Then I told her the wrath of God is coming, and you don’t want to be here for that. She ignored me and said nothing. Then in my nightmare, last night, the dream I have had about the rapture, tribulation, and judgement day started to change…like the angles changed. I had the power while I was sleeping to reject these dreams, thoughts, and beliefs trusting in the one I had actually already had. I then woke up. In the nightmare I had $81,000 in the bank from back pay from the government from the times I was out or in psychosis (it wasn’t worth it). I woke up smoked a cigarette and reflected that in this nightmare it was like I died. I relate it to what I have just been through in my life, with my bi-polar episode, and I have come to this conclusion…that I have lived a death walking through this life, but alive and a lot less kinder than death. Thinking about being completely out is less painful, with the exception of you Silent Tears. It was like I never got the chance to share you. That all these words and my hope attached to them was ripped out of my life and by my mother. This is how I felt as a teenager towards her. I need to remind myself that I am not obligated to hang out with her. Yes, she has helped me, but my mental health is more important…I am more important. I have to be the most important person in my life to be who I need to be to protect my sanity. This is part of the reason why I cut her out before. Life had got simply too hard doing it alone. The truth is living on poverty and the need of at least one person in my life to help bottom line is… I need someone. I can’t live this life alone. I thought at one point being a truck driver I could, and it brought me joy just to have “my own life.” This is another way I suffer from my bi-polar…suffering loss. Loss of my life with no way to get it back. Loss of my freedom. Loss of my freedom to be me. Loss of freedom by being incarcerated too. That is things I have already lost in my life not to mention my cat, Teela. I miss her.

So, now what do I do with this dream? Just what I have done…share it. You need to be my number one priority, Silent Tears, so that others can read and relate and get help, or better, come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. Note: in my nightmare my mom hated you Silent Tears because she was in it. Slow breath release with relief. Hard to feel feelings. I didn’t feel a thing I just let out a breath softly and slowly. This is how I can tell when I am operating from my heart and from my head. Also, when I am struggling. When I operate from my head I am more well collected. I wish I had more of this. I don’t feel, but I can think and reason logically. It is more comforting to operate from my head I think because I am not only smarter, but wiser than acting off strong emotions. Being smart can only get me so far, but with wisdom sky is the limit, as they say. I can help a lot of people if I am wise not just smart. Lord, would you impart your wisdom to me. Would you put a fire in my heart to overcome the lack of willingness to put the time and effort into Silent Tears. Would you also bless anyone who reads this as I would be greatly blessed if they read it. In Jesus name. Amen. End.