Silent Tears-

Silent Tears, I need you. I relapsed today. For what I am about to tell you, someone would laugh at me or even scoff at me like…”are you kidding me?”, but it is. My car wasn’t always starting right. I couldn’t even get it started at one point, so I had decided to drop it off at my mechanic. I needed a ride home from dropping it off, so who do I call?…mommy. She was at a mental health drop-in center and wanted to play bingo there. I have gone there a few times but had decided not to go anymore to not fellowship with darkness and not to play bingo. I went and played bingo so my mom could still do what she wanted to do today. I played and my mind went off. Off into its own little world. I would let out grunts when my winning number didn’t get called. I would get angry if my number didn’t get called. I won a game, and it wasn’t like “oh, I WON!” It was like nothing…no happy emotions, no excitement, just…hmm…what do I want now. This is what I gambled for to not feel anything and when I did win to get satisfaction that I won and oh now that I have money, now I can provide my needs for myself. Everything came before gambling especially food. So, there was no money involved, but I am counting it as a relapse because I knew not to play, and I still did it and when I realized it was affecting my mind, I didn’t stop… I didn’t want to stop. I started to hallucinate when we left and that has happened to me during and after gambling at the casino too. I am disappointed in myself. I have some home and just sat here listening to the voices in my head again. Some would say that this is trivial, but it caused a mental relapse and is affecting me just as if I had walked into a casino and blew $1,000 on slots. Key thing here: apply what I know. Knowledge with application is wisdom. i need to be wiser. This is going to cost me today, but hopefully not tomorrow and a full-blown relapse. Another person liked you Silent Tears. I am encouraged once again. I am selling a ministry item on Facebook too. I hope they come get it. Sometimes with people on Facebook you don’t know if they are really serious. I am inside my own head today.

I wish …I… hadn’t done this! I knew!…I knew!, and still, I did it. See how it’s the behavior and lack of applying what I know. See how it is selfish desire and not of God. If I know and I apply what I know to change it is wisdom and of God, because wisdom comes from God. So, a stumbling block and starting over. I am working on getting laundry done today that will be a big win for me. I have put it off for a couple of weeks now. Some people can just do life…I can’t without struggling at simple things. It is hard but not impossible to get better. With God ALL things are POSSIBLE. I’ll end. End.