Silent Tears-

Damn. I am so down again after having such a good day on Sunday. This hurts… all because I played bingo. I am stuck in my own head again. It seems like I am going to be going on a roller coaster ride again, but I have nowhere to go…nothing to sell again to feel more secure financially. I did something on Monday. Well, found out something. Scoito County clerk of courts called me back about putting my father’s name on my birth certificate. The lady was so nice she didn’t charge me for the certified court records that she is sending me either. She found the child support case and said there were DNA test results in the file along with a court order saying to put my father’s name on my birth certificate. I think this is a huge win for me. One, I am not letting my mother control this, two I could receive financial help for being his child since he worked for the railroad, three I can connect with my father. It is natural for me to want a father that is God’s design. Light breath with stress release and love. I think this will be an ice breaker for us. I am thinking about writing him to notify him that I put him on my birth certificate and for his help figuring out how to get benefits from his retirement. I don’t think this will effect him financially. I think it is a benefit I would receive because I am disabled and his child. I have been thinking about what to write in a letter to him. Just be truthful. I care though too. It is not all about the money. I actually believe that God wants me to contact him because he is old and needs to know the Lord. I have emotions about it they are running on the surface though. I am excited though too. I hope I don’t get disappointed again. I hope he communicates with me. I have had a tough day. The guy didn’t show up to look at my truck then he came later after getting lost and then he didn’t buy it. Disheartening. I need that money to get the apartment in Denmark. I did apply for the apartment as well trusting God that my truck will sell and I will get approved. I think I might need a co-signer but who can do it for me? My mom will try, but she likely won’t be approved. I am praying for a miracle here Lord. It is a miracle for me to have a little normal it is like a piece of heaven for me. I have been just in darkness today after playing bingo yesterday. I need to fast and pray to beat this. That has been the most successful way in beating my darkest moments. Is fasting and praying. I did get through today without gambling, breaking the law, drinking, drugging, and shopping. I will take today as a win. End.