Silent Tears-

I have officially sinned and relapsed. I went to the casino today with all my money I had left over from selling my car. I was down almost all my money. I had $50 left and tried a bigger bet machine. I was blessed with grace to win my money back and make a profit, but now what? I have a battle within to fight again. It is the hardest one I have come across. The battle of following my own thoughts with out any reasoning or considering the consequences. I was led by my mind today and not by God. I was in darkness and condemnation since Monday and playing bingo. Somehow I believe that gambling helped me today because I came out of a low and into a high. I literally get mentally high off gambling. It is so easy just to sit there and be taken out of life and not think about my problems or feel any feelings. But the aftermath is not worth it. I know it is not, it never has been worth it. So I start over. I started today with fasting and praying and I was encouraged to not put it off until tomorrow like I have been. Fasting and praying is the only solution I have to beat the darkness of my depression and my thoughts and sins that haunt me. My mind is numb now. Numb to emotions and numb to having thoughts . I just sit here spaced out, like I am not present. It is like I have no emotions at all and when they come I continue to gamble to escape them too. I am calling it a night. I have to learn to control my thoughts not let my thoughts control me. Still learning it is time to fight the good fight again. To try again. End.