Silent Tears-

I need to sort this out, on paper. I want to apply at the trucking company the Lord has wanted me at since 2023. If I apply I could get the job, but would I be able to keep it? I don’t know. Would I be able to do the work. Drive all day 14 hours and sleep 7-9 hours and get up and do it all over again? I don’t know. I have been sleeping well but know that I can’t sleep on demand meaning that if my shift got done at 8 p.m. would I be able to fall asleep and be well rested for the next day. I don’t think so. What is to come in my future financially? In January I will have a high heat bill and water bill. Where is the money coming from? If I sell my truck I will have the money but then I won’t be able to get a new apartment and in April I will have another high water and heat bill I won’t be able to afford. So then I would need to get some kind of job. Am I willing to work part time at a dead end job? Truth, “No.” I want to be a truck driver again. I don’t think I would last a year even. Not believing in myself is self-defeating. Could I apply and see what they say? Yes. Would it be good? Probably not. I am stronger than I think. I have handled a lot of hard situations in my life what makes me think that I wouldn’t be able to make it through learning to work and be a truck driver again? What makes me think not working is going to help my chances at being a better employee? I think it won’t I think it is a risk with my attitude that I don’t care, say whatever I want attitude, but I have done that less lately. I know all hope is not lost even though I sinned and relapsed today. What about you Silent Tears? Then you take a back seat, and it would be non-existent again. I know the Lord has called me to share you with people. I know the Lord is calling me to do my ministry on Facebook. So why call it quits when I haven’t even gotten really started? Money. Can I wait? Yes, but I don’t feel like I can. I don’t want to be this sinner no more I just want my life back. I have been reflecting, and it is not to look back on the life I had and lost but to look ahead to my future at the life I can have again. I have to be able to concentrate for long periods of time and do the job. There is a part of me that believes I can do it. That it may be rough to begin but that I would get the hang of it and love it again. So, is there a benefit to waiting another year? I may still be fighting the same battle I am today. The time off may make me better off mentally. I am not on my anti-depressant yet and I am struggling in a low to where I am surrounded by darkness and feel I have no way out and no happiness. Is it wise? No, is the first answer that comes to mind. Would it be helpful? It could be. Could is hurt? Yes, it could hurt a lot. I could end up in prison if I killed someone. Is it worth the risk of failing again? First answer No but then a yelling YES. There is no risk without reward. You know I watched UFC and there was a fighter on there that said to take that job because you don’t know it could pay off. I have an overwhelming fear about returning back to work. An anxiety about it. I fear interacting with people and them not liking me and it costing my job. Saying something wrong and not meaning it but I couldn’t take it back. I heard this when I read God’s word today Wait on the Lord…Wait I say on the Lord. How do I get a green light from Him again. I know the company He wants me at. What if I apply and they don’t hire me? Is it worth it just to know? Is it worth it for God to shut the door completely on truck driving? No, being a truck driver is fun especially when I can be laid back about it, but would I be? Probably not. I would be so uptight about it again. That is the road block…me. Only God can change my heart. And only He can change me. What am I going to do for a year while waiting to be a truck driver again.? Write in silent Tears and sell items on Facebook I have done that before it only lasts so long it doesn’t make enough money. So sell out for money? Money can give me a better life and Silent Tears can give me a better internal life. So internal or external. To they go together. Internal is more important. I haven’t liked being alone in my own company these past couple day since Monday and it was even harder to get past this before. How to get past it now? My answer…truck driving, but that is my answer what does the Lord say? It is hard to hear. I know He wants me to do this though. Am I called out of truck driving forever? Huge NO. ME… How long must I wait? A year likely. I know one thing I can’t make a decision like this based on just my own thoughts and what I hear. I will wait a few days and see what answers I get from applying for an apartment. I will see how making my peanut butter balls go. My potatoes turned out for potluck…I was so happy. Things were getting better now I am at zero and not content again. It is best to wait for now.

End.