Silent Tears-

I am in distress over what to do that is going to make my life worth living again. In my heart it is truck driving that made my life so much better. It wasn’t just truck driving it was the Lord. I could do the work as a truck driver, work 70 plus hours a week it was because the type of job I was doing. I have sinned again today. I went to the casino for a second day in a row. I don’t want my life to become gambling again. I want to work to help me quit you know do something with my hands. Truth is I can always do something with my hands now because I have so many journal entries to put in. It is like me to abandon you Silent Tears and go for something I want not something I need. I do need you Silent Tears. You help me get it all out…everything. I have been going over my past month’s entries putting them on my website and it helps me just to use my brain and type and enter them. It helps me hear my own voice and control my own mind and hands with typing. You have so much you can give me and I can give others, but still, it seems not to be enough. I can’t just make this decision based on a few bad days or a few good days. My bi-polar cycles I do good for so long then my life is shit again. My life is shit right now, but that will only last for so long too. I am really considering going back to work. There is a part of me that believes I can do it. It might be harder but still possible. I guess my most truthful answer is I don’t know…but I want to try. I wonder when I will get this life thing right. When will I get obedience right. How to obey and still get a job? I need money to live. I can possibly get money from my biological father. I could wait for that answer and do Silent Tears, or I could just say… I don’t care I am going to try. Well out of all the times I have done that in my life it has never worked out. Do I care? YES! Then what am I really telling myself if I apply for a truck driving job. I can’t take care of myself 100% yet, but I can add 70 hours a week working? I have to do something to not stay on this path of sin. I need repentance. I started to. I started to do a 180, but then thanksgiving happened and now Christmas happened, and I fell away that easily because I got off a routine. How is that going to work with truck driving? I am starting to believe in myself. That I can do this. Do I apply? What do I say when it comes to my bi-polar? I don’t want to say fuck it and apply I want to do it whole-heartedly. I say I have PTSD and anxiety and other issues that sometimes make my life a little bit harder than others. I prayed about it and got some yes’ and some no’s. It was unclear to me. Yesterday was very clear thought to wait upon the Lord. What am I going to do again? This comes from desperation to not want to go on gambling and wanting my life to change with money. I’ll spend a lot of time thinking and praying about it tonight. End.