Silent Tears-

I called the trucking company that I applied at yesterday to make sure they got my application and to ask for an interview. They do have trucks and are looking for over the road drivers. They leave on Sunday and back on Friday. I could honor Saturday as my day of rest and still make women’s prayer group so that is a great thing. What has been running through my mind today…fear… can I do it? 6 days a week again? I have done it once before and I know I can do it again. I have been thinking what to wear for an interview. I have the nice dressy outfit but only have heels to wear with it. I hate walking in heels and pretending to be someone I am not. I have decided to wear my everyday clothes. My hoodie, my men’s wrangler cargo pants, and keens. I would start off my interview by addressing why I am dressed the way I am and saying something. The way I have dressed this way today and not up for in an interview is: I could have dressed up all nice and played the game, but I would not have been true to myself. I have tried for the majority of my life to be someone that I am clearly not. So, I chose to be who I am genuinely and not play games. I came to work and am here ready to work. I think they could like it. Stand out in a different way compared to other candidates. Stand out by just being myself and hope it is what they are looking for. As I am sitting here thinking about what to say how to explain what I have been through in the last two years and somehow make myself look desirable to hire is quite a task. I have thought of everything I lost, and my beloved cat Teela.

I miss her a lot.¿ I miss my life a lot. Being a truck driver is true to who I am, a tomboy. Writing is also who I am, I just didn’t know that until this year though. Still hard to imagine myself as an artsy fartsy writer type person when I have played the whole thug druggie my whole life. Everyone does it these days. Hard to go out in your vehicle and not hear a bass rap song playing in another vehicle at least once. Here are my two cents any one can play at being a stereo type and you can even choose which one you would like to be. But NO ONE can be you that authentic hard copy no one else can recreate. Learn about who you are, it’s taken me a lifetime, and I am still learning. Be happy to go against society’s norms for Jesus Sake have your own opinion and your own words they matter more they just saying what everyone wants to hear. What do I want to hear today. That I won’t fail. That I am doing the right thing just by trying to get a job as a truck driver again. Am I? Probably not because I know I am to write you Silent Tears. That there are more people suffering that I can reach instead of becoming a truck driver and you take the back seat. I have listened to part of a sermon today on pride. My pride is so big it has me deceived at times. It deceived my how I am better than a lady at church who has judged me and now treats me like I am the plague. My pride is more important than her pride. I get to change, I get to grow, I get to serve the Lord. Kinda like a dig at her, but enough of that it isn’t important to keep going on about. What is important that my pride doesn’t destroy my life again. I am prideful about being a truck driver. Since I worked at my first company on the road I fell in love with it. If I am truthful about it it’s all I am ever going to want to do. I thought about it today though and what I really had for the first time was Jesus. His love and my own love. That is what I miss about my life. Not this “I can’t sleep!”… God why can’t I sleep?…This condemnation in my head from just trying to have life. So rigid and without grace. I sang Amazing Grace today along with the worship and this is what stuck out besides the whole song…”And Grace will lead me home.” Hmm the tears I shed today from the Holy Spirit. They were good tears. I am a wretch plain as day through and through sinner to the core, but that Holy Spirit THAT is what makes the difference. Here is my take on religion. We can sit down can have wars about who is right and what is biblical and it’s interpretations, but the real way to discern someone and God is not about their religion. It is about the Holy Spirit. God can and will use religion like Seventh-Day Adventist or Catholic religion to call His children to His side. It is a walk of faith led by the Holy Spirit and the fruit of the Spirit is LOVE (Galatians 5:22). With your heart you believe and with your mouth you confess…watch what a christian does and watch what they do. Do their words and actions meet up? Do there words and actions equal love. I am on a rant now. I’ll end. End.