Silent Tears-

I have gone off the deep end. I went gambling all day today. I first withdrew $500 and went through that. Then I tried everything to get the rest, $440, out of my savings, but couldn’t get it because of the restrictions on my bank account. Ugh! I wasn’t going to write tonight. I have given up in a way. This once again stress about money is making me physically sick. I can’t live in poverty this way anymore. It is too stressful. I am in this dysfunctional cycle of behavior with myself. I do well for a very short period of time then I revert back to doing whatever it is that I want to do. It is never going to be enough with gambling, and it will never be enough to be content with where I am at. The only thing that has truly worked for me is a relationship with Jesus Christ and I have failed Him again. When? WHEN is it going to end. My suffering? The war with my flesh. I want to die again today. I prefer the gun today over going through this again. My winnings, my feelings of financial security all gone. It makes me sick. I need a job to have a new lifestyle. Trucking is a lifestyle, and it has worked for me before and I NEED it to work this time too. I can’t stay this way, and it is too hard to change without having something to do to occupy my mind and my hands. I don’t know what I am going to say if I get an interview. I don’t know how to explain my actions without disclosing that I have bi-polar. It will substantially lessen my chances at getting a job. What am I going to do? TRY. Be truthful and transparent and hope it works out with a job any ways. I read something today about over sharing is a learned coping skill learned in childhood to survive. I do that. I will go into this interview share everything truthfully and NOT get the job. How to word everything without lying and how to be discrete? Let me try. Why didn’t you put the accident on your application from 07/16/2023? I wasn’t sure that it was one or even if it was on there. I had gotten into an accident where I was at fault. …That will work and it is still honest. What are your strengths? I am a genuine person. I actually do care as where some people just pretend to care. I am a punctual person; the Lord did not make me to tarry. What are some obstacles. Sleep and stress. Sometimes it is hard to wind down at the end of my day, and because I genuinely care about my job this causes extra stress. What do you think you could bring to the table that others can’t? I am a woman, and I have been through so much in my life that there isn’t something I wouldn’t understand and be able to empathize with someone. As a woman truck driver, I have the unique ability to help you hire and hopefully train other women drivers. I heard it said women drivers are better drivers than men so having another woman driver can add to your company. How am I going to dress? I bought my pants and then returned them so I can go to the casino tomorrow or when I get the money to try and redeem myself, but I am only kidding myself the money is as good as gone. It could have a better impact if I just burned the money and see how I felt afterwards. I am in darkness again surrounded on all sides All I did was play bingo on Monday and it has led me to this. My sin separates me from God, and I feel far from Him again. I had what I wanted again but couldn’t keep it like usual. If I get this job, I am going to give up my apartment and live out of the truck. I can’t take living in this apartment anymore and I likely won’t be able to get the one I deserve. I am sad, disheartened. In a massive low that is swallowing up any positivity and happiness I thought I had. I am going to stay up late tonight and work on you Silent Tears do something meaningful with my day, so it is not a total loss. Hopefully that will cheer me up some. I’ll end. End.