Silent Tears-

Another day of my life wasted. Wasted on sinning, on gambling. What a waste of the time before that I spent in repentance and with God. I did major sins today which will bring judgment upon myself. I can’t live like this. I broke the law today and it repulses me. But yet I did it and will still do it to get money to feed my gambling addiction. Even drugs wasn’t “that bad”. Well I can’t live like this anymore and a job is what I have decided I need otherwise I will continue on this path of self-destruction with nothing to do but whatever my mind tells me to do. I am a slave to my own thoughts good or bad. It has been a week since church last Sunday and I was doing so well. I had such a good day volunteering and now a week later I am penniless and in blatant disobedience. I actually told myself that I could go to church this morning or I could go to the casino. In my hate for myself and my recent mistakes I chose to go to the casino. I have reached the point again where it is not about the money. It never is. It is out of addiction. Addiction to the emotions that one minute I am OK financially the next I am in crisis. I can’t handle things again. I went to my mom’s today to get some peanut butter to make peanut butter balls with, and I told her I needed a pair of pants. I ordered it on her phone through the Walmart app. Then she calls me back and says, “it says they are ready for pick up in New London”. Me: raising my voice at her “just have them refund you your money I can’t handle this, I just wanted a new pair of pants.” This is when I fucking hate her, but it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I want the gun today. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I am going to get some type of job so that I don’t have to live under this financial chaos and stress. It is this simple to be able to provide for myself. Doesn’t seem like I am asking much, but it might as well be asking for a unicorn for Christmas. God doesn’t do unicorns but I am sure He does jobs. If I don’t get this truck driving job what am I going to do then? I can’t even think about that today. All my hope is in getting this job and there is nothing left for me on this earth to do then. Just you Silent Tears, but you are not enough for me. I need life. Sitting behind a computer all day while I go out side and smoke a cigarette every 30 minutes doesn’t constitute as life. Please shoot me that is my life right now. I was made for more than this. I was made to be a truck driver. Lord, I do not want to beg as it is a dysfunctional characteristic of mine, so I simply as for this specific truck driving job and I ask for it now, that I may have life and have it abundantly once again. I ask to fall in love with my job and life as a truck driver again. I ask this Abba, in your son Jesus Christ’s name. Amen, End.