Silent Tears-

I chose not to write for the first time yesterday I just didn’t want to write. I am down again and down another $70. I went to the casino today. I was up like usual by $100 but I still can’t walk away. Once you pop you can’t stop. Sin is that way for me. Once I start one sin it opens up the door for all the other sins. So, I am feeling really unstable. This is what gambling does to me it makes me and my life unmanageable. Not surprised as the first step is “That we admitted we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.” So, (deep breath with big stress release), I was told today what to tell the trucking company during an interview if I am to be blessed with one. I go in there with the truth of God’s grace and mercy and how me overcoming in my life is to simply have a job as a truck driver. If I get hired it will be because I was me and because the Lord wills it, then. I have a wonderful feeling about this. That it is just going to be GOOD. You know the kind of good that you can’t express with emotions just simply have to say it is GOOD. I am so happy now, but I am so fearful. Fearful to be that vulnerable with strangers and possibly still get rejected and have no job. At least I will be able to look back and say I did my best as me, I told the truth, and if I don’t get the job then it wasn’t best for me. I am PUMPED! I am still internally shaky, nerves and new stress from gambling. I just got to beat this addiction. I have to beat all these demons of my past and present. I have to overcome. I have learned this from the bible all though I can’t find scripture for it right now…”To he who overcomes I will give the crown of life.” My overcoming and my miracle is simply a job as a truck driver. It has happened to me once before it will happen again. It will happen now, this time, before the Lord returns and one day Lord willing only, I will receive the crown of life. I am very emotional today I am barely keeping it together. I was tortured this morning by my sins and just couldn’t live with myself, but some how gambling helps so I can end up in a worse spot after. That is the thing about addictions they really don’t make any sense. This makes sense though, that I buy the lies I tell myself. Lie that it will be fun. Gambling has lost its fun a long time ago. I go through highs and lows every time I gamble, I think I am more used to the highs and lows of it and of my bi-polar that normal I wouldn’t even recognize in my life right now if I had it. How true that statement is about 10 days ago I had a normal day but just saw it as a good day among many bad. That is how it might be for a while and for how long? I don’t want to speculate because I will get so angry if I don’t get better on my own time schedule. It is not something I can arrive at, being better, it is something that I will always be changing and growing. It is hard for me to believe and set goals if I can never “arrive” so why do any of it in the first place. Because I can’ t live with myself if I don’t try one more time at my dreams of working and being a truck driver.

It is OK to cry. I’ll end. End.