Silent Tears-

What a wonderful Christmas I had. I spent the majority of the day cooking. My mom came over and we played a game of Yahtzee, I won, and we watched my pastor online together. She actually agrees with what he was saying which was surprising to me. I also took communion today and my mom partook as well. And then, we had ourselves a feast in celebration of the Lord Jesus Christ’s birthday. It was GOOD. The nonalcoholic Welch’s grape juice tasted so much like alcohol to me not like it used to taste. It tasted a little sweet, bitter, and bubbly. I am sure it is because I drank not that long ago. It was a trigger for me, so I dumped the rest of my glass out. I had such a good day today and me and my mom got along. My mom said that my aunt wanted to see me today, but she didn’t know how I felt about that. I ended up inviting my aunt over and got vulnerable. She never showed but respectfully declined my invite. This is why I have written my family off. I still hope that my family would be a real family instead of the dysfunctional dynamics it has and when I put myself out there like this I still get shot down. They just aren’t there for me. I have to accept that my family will never be a family. It is natural to desire what God has ordained as family and its order with the man of the household leading the woman and their family, and how he ordained it to be meant to live life together. When you have been molested by your cousin it is hard to say you have a loving family especially when everyone, including my mother, just wants to act as if it never happened. They just don’t get it or more likely they get it but just don’t care enough. The other side of it is maybe they want to live in their own little world of denial and pretend like our family is really a family when it is anything but. In a sanctified way I wish I had what most people have, a real family. Whether of aunts, uncles, and cousins or of my own with a husband and my own children. I will never do either of those things. I never really desired kids until I met my soul mate but can’t have the right man, so I definitely won’t have the wrong man. I am hopeful for this job interview at the trucking company. I thought about my ex-best friend and how I will mention her in a comment with a picture of my truck and myself just saying, “I just wanted you to know.” I still love her. We are both hurt now so I doubt it will ever heal as it would take her to reach out to me, and I know she won’t for whatever her reasons are. I think pride. I think she thinks she is right and did nothing wrong when the truth is she hurt me and showed me what I am really worth to her nothing, if she doesn’t have the power over me to lead me as she wishes. I let her at one point, and it was helpful, but that ship has sailed. I need to know my own thoughts and opinions on things and do what I would do not what she would do, or what she thinks. I have made my own decisions and have failed horribly, but that is part of life especailly if you follow your own will. I am begging the Lord for an interview at this company just to have the opportunity to share my story with them. I think it could be amazing, not anything that they think would take place. I am praying for this miracle as me having a fulltime job is a miracle and I have to keep it too. I was reminded today after watching my pastor that there is not much time left and that the next “big thing” to happen to this earth is the rapture with the world explaining it as a UFO abduction. Not too farfetched but who knows, more will be revealed. I was blessed today with being able to send my other aunt a plate of food I cooked, and it was 6 p.m. At night and she hadn’t eaten yet. My mom said they bring her meals to her daily as she has been legally deemed incompetent, and if they don’t bring her a meal then she doesn’t eat. My one aunt is too caught up in her own life to make time for me or really care, and my other aunt is incompetent but is there to receive a blessing from me and now wants to thank me. Life lesson people who tend to look like they have everything especially financially don’t and worse they don’t have the time to share love with actual people because they are too busy loving themselves and their own life. On the flipside of that I don’t love my life but need to and I do need to live my life based on being alone and that people won’t be here to help me because truth is they are not. My mom has been but she isn’t doing well and it is time for me to love her back. I am truly blessed to be born of the Spirit and excitingly awaiting the Lord’s return and get to go home to heaven. Oh what a glorious day that will be. With eternal hope, Love Dezaray. End.