Silent Tears-

What a hard day today. I set an alarm for 06:30 last night so that I would wake up early and be tired tonight to get back on a sleeping schedule. I fell asleep last night after midnight, and it was hard to pull myself out of bed this morning (depression) and then to stay awake as well. I didn’t spend time in the word of God this morning and I later realized it was a good thing because my heart wasn’t right about it. So, I sat here waiting for a lady to show up to buy my truck at 12:00-12:30 and she showed, and my truck sold today. I have money once again after losing all the rest, from selling my car, at the casino. So, my mom came to my place after work today to get some leftovers. I asked her if she would like to go out to eat after it sold. She never actually answered. I came in from just selling my truck it took about 20 minutes and my mom was on the phone with a girl I told my self that is my cousin (who molested me), I denied it and said it again to myself that is my cousin. I let the conversation go on a little just listening as this happened within me and then I asked my mother who are you talking to? She said, my cousin’s name. I told her she had to get off the phone or she had to leave. She got off the phone and I was not rude or emotional mind, I was clear on what I said and said it respectfully. I said to her that she wants to act like it never happened. I questioned her…”In MY HOUSE!” I didn’t yell it but just said it plainly and I said it a couple of times. Then I told her she had to stop talking about her and her children in front of me. I have said this to my mother before and her response was I care about my family all my family…What about me?… Am I not your family which you should protect? Am I not your daughter who you should protect? Who you should side with? It just hit me my mother never has protected me. I noticed this in my youth as I was molested by a man when I was just a baby and mother didn’t protect me then either and that is just one of the multiple times that molestation has happened to me. Her response was that the man who took me as a baby and set me on his dick and moved me back and forth (my mother has told me the story a few different times how she walked in on him doing this to me), her response, he was in the church…he was a changed man. God!…you knew! ….there is no excuse you don’t leave your child with someone who has that type of past and unattended. She has never protected me. That usually is the man’s job and instinct to protect. Protect his family and protect his children but my mother didn’t protect me then either. She had an affair with a married man and slept with him once and got me (so she says). She never protects me. So, I told her that she had to leave my house so she could talk to my cousin. She tried to interrupt me 3 different times and not even let me speak. So I had decided she had to leave my house. I threw her out…Good for ME! I said I don’t care you have to leave my house. She said you do care. And I immediately told her that she was right I DO care and that is why you have to leave my house. Caring is not all its cracked up to be. I will find myself riding solo for the rest of my life and if I have a truck driving job I am ok with that. I have to remind my self that I have written off my family for a reason and that is to protect myself from their abuse. It is valid. My thoughts, feelings, and beliefs are valid on this one. I don’t need anyone else’s outside recognition or approval. Mine is all I need and God’s. He would approve. I did hear God say to me, “Good job daughter.” And it comforted me. I am HIS daughter and HE will protect me and I have to go back from giving my family a second/third chance/how many times I am not sure, but I have to go back to where this is not in my life. My cousin’s voice triggered me. I was shaking uncontrollably from this happening today. I told my mother right out “You don’t respect me,” and that is the truth. I am just going to let my mother fade out. I was going to ask her to take care of my cat if I get this job but I think I will ask my neighbor. So after my mother left I went to my neighbor’s and asked her if I could take her out to eat. And she was all happy and said sure. We went to a local truck stop with a sit-down restaurant and had ourselves some good conversation on God and just in general. God reminded me that I can do more for him out in the world than I can staying in relationships with family specifically my mother. God has a plan for me and He WILL deliver me. I couldn’t be more grateful for how my day is coming to an end. I have been thinking about gambling a lot today. And told myself I am not going to let this incident with my mother and cousin get to me. I am not going to resort to gambling to deal with my feelings. So instead I had a great neighbor to share my time with and to get to know more. I am truly blessed to have one person in my life who will spend quality time with me and have some tough conversations with. It still bothers me what happened today I hope I can sleep tonight. My mother will say, “Dezaray it’s your mental illness.” totally deflecting the issue and any of her responsibility of the whole situation. This is why I want her out of my life, but I won’t say that to her again. I will not call her for a while and she likely won’t call me, so it can be the end if it needs to be and it just might, but I won’t abandon her she can call me and apologize or at least call me, right? Right. Like that will happened. I can wish in one hand and shit in the other. LOL. I forgot something that I learned the day I didn’t write and it came to mind when I started writing but now I have forgotten it again. This is why I need you Silent Tears to remind me, to train my brain that it is ok to have boundaries and say what is assertive not just dismiss it as not important when that is exactly what it is important, because I am important. I am important to me. They both knew what they were doing. My mother is a perpetrator today.

End.