Silent Tears-

I felt so lousy today. I wanted to gamble so bad I almost went a few times but ended up not going because my neighbor spent time with me. I woke up at 07:00 to an alarm. I felt pretty good when I woke up a little tired but nothing that coffee couldn’t fix. I spent a very small amount of time in the word today. I don’t think it had any big significance in me. I spent a lot of money today anyways. I went to get glasses because I had a coupon for buy one complete pair get a complete pair free. I paid about $210 for two pair and I am all set for going over the road with glasses. Then I ran some errands. I went to the bank, and I went shopping at a thrift store for myself and just got a few things spent $28. Then I came home and brought my neighbor some popcorn from the bank. She really liked it and that made me happy. I had bought a purse and showed it to her. She really liked it and wanted it. I asked her if she wanted to go shopping at a thrift store with me and we could find her one. I told her we would go and that I wanted to go to Oshkosh to a store there. She came with but I never took her shopping at the thrift store like I had said. When we were together, I didn’t think too much of it. I thought it was ok if I didn’t get to it today and then I realized when I got home that I manipulated her to come with me so I wouldn’t be alone and gamble today. I felt horrible because I did it unintentionally. I do that though like it is second nature without even thinking about what I am doing. I realized that I am like my mother that way and got very depressed. Then I asked myself this question; “Where do you think I learned it from?”… My mother. It hurts again and I have more pain coming my way that I don’t want to feel AGAIN. I am tired but can’t sleep. I am stressed and can’t calm down. I am emotional and overpowered by my emotions. I am an internal mess without any change. That is the thing that I have been this exact same way before and the only thing that made the difference in me was Jesus Christ, but here I sit today struggling to live life again in the same way. With God all things are possible and if He did it for me once He can do it again and He WILL. I don’t know how to get there again. Last time it took a trial and complete dependence on reading the word of God. Now I read it, and it doesn’t have the same power at least I don’t’ feel the power. It makes sense though my heart is not in the same place as it was before. I want so badly and try so hard to get what I read to stick in my brain but it doesn’t. It is discouraging. The cool thing was I went all day today and I still had genuine energy at 16:00 not mania. I still need help with sleep again though. It is back and forth between sinning and not sinning, sleeping and not sleeping. That hurts me a lot. I am chalking up today as a bad day since I manipulated my neighbor and hurt her. I got a big dose of truth that my sin hurts others. I bought another weighted blanket and when I brought it in Blackey was by the door I usually shew him with my foot but had recently been gently picking him up by the neck and setting him down. He responds well to that, but this time I had my new weighted blanket in my hands so I used my foot, and I thought I will just use a little more power to make sure he is out of my way, and he flew and hit his head on a door. I couldn’t believe that it happened. Then I realized this is what gambling does to me it makes me an abusive person because I can’t handle anything. I can’t handle simple things like missing the garbage can. It has been eating at me all night. I wasn’t going to write because I just don’t want to put this all on paper, and I know what has happened today so just let it go and start over tomorrow. However, then I don’t get today out. It stays in me and on my mind and tortures me. I just complaining now. I’ll end. End.