Silent Tears-

I had a better day than yesterday. I slept really well last night after adding a second weighted blanket to my bed. I felt more normal today. I am afraid. I feel really terrified that if I get this job, I won’t be able to do it because I am having a hard time getting my house in order. I still have about a sink full and a half of dishes, I need to do laundry, and I need to find a place to put everything I just bought. I want to switch the subject but that does me no good. I am afraid to tell them the truth and that I won’t get the job and my life will stay the way it is.

I realized the reason that I don’t feel like doing anything is that I don’t want the life I have. I don’t even want life sometimes. This is no way to live. It is complete survival mode. Just trying to survive my own thoughts and feelings. I think that is what really scares me with this truck driving job the fear of the pain of my thoughts, feelings, and mistakes. I am so sorry I am this way still and again. I posted some more of my writings and the one where I talked about the night in prison where I was raped. I was disappointed in myself. I wrote how excited I was about you, Silent Tears, and then you have just sat in the computer, and I did nothing with you. That is like me to be all excited and so motivated and then when it comes down to the work, I bail. I don’t know the words for that but apathy, running, and procrastination are a few. Once I get started doing something I can force myself to keep going. Like dishes today I heard to quit like 3 times, but I pushed myself to do all the silverware and then I felt good about it. I am discouraged though. I wish my life wasn’t this way. Living in fear of being able to do something I have already done and know I can do again. I wish I wasn’t poor and broke. There is a difference between the two. You can be rich but also be broke. I had some minutes today where I felt God’s love in reference to my soul mate. I actually thought I don’t have to wish anymore to have the love of a man or know who he is. I don’t have his love, but I know who he is, and I know it’s him, so I don’t have to wish for that anymore. I don’t like “love” right now though. I am still struggling with God giving man an ordained authority and over a whole person, a woman, and then man shits on women and they have no respect for women. To be quite honest I don’t respect men either. I have never been taught to and only one has been worthy of respect in my life and that would be my soul mate but once again we will never be together in this life…just like Romeo and Juilet. Hunh? Yep still like love stories it is just tought right now but it will pass. I’ll end. End.