Silent Tears-

I have much to be grateful for today. I woke up at 04:30 and forgot to take my meds this morning. I took them around 13:45. I felt them kick in pretty quickly. I was in a bi-polar high at the time. I felt all shaky and revved up. It sucked. It is so important for me to take my morning meds, and I forget them the most. I took all my meds last week and looked back that it was a good week, but now that I think about it, it wasn’t a good week. I struggled so much. I gambled and regressed a lot. I also had a nightmare. I have been sleeping much better, but it has been hard to get out of bed some days and most nights it is hard to fall asleep. I have realized my fears today. I am so afraid. I am afraid that getting a truck driving job will be disobedience to the Lord’s will for me. That I will fail or be a disappointment to the trucking company. Many fears, but 2 Timothy 1:7 KJV “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” A spirit of fear is not of God and a demonic spirit. I know I am tortured by them and that I have bi-polar too. As I am learning from my experience what is my bi-polar and what is simply not of God. I know Jesus is kind, merciful, gracious, and loving. It is a right thing to fear him, but to the extent of the fear I have is almost paralyzing. I don’t do too much. I did a lot today. I hung out with my blind lady friend and another friend after I had gone to church. Yes, I made my way back to church. I had discernment as the pastor was speaking today. I am truly blessed for this simple reason. Jesus is still teaching me. I have been longing for what I have had today. I studied Jeremiah this morning and actually got it. I know the Lord has a wonderful plan for me and to give me a hope and a future (Jer. 29:11). He plans to prosper me it seems that truck driving is the way again. I just hope I am not wrong. A little piece inside of me will die if I cannot trust this. I trusted that he wanted me to work at a local pizza place, and I was wrong. It hurts not to be able to trust my ears. I mean I can’t trust my brain and its thoughts. How does one live like this? I am always in some type of pain whether mentally, emotionally, or physically. It sucks. I got through the day today pretty well. I didn’t have the overwhelming urge to gamble that was huge. I am getting better already. I bounce back pretty well and then I sin again because I don’t fear its consequences. I hope I will just get sick and tired of going through the same pain over and over again. My head hurts today. I have a headache from my new glassed I need to get them loosened. I believe that I will get a call this week from the trucking company I am praying so. Ya know believing is seeing not seeing is believing. If I believe then Jesus will let me see Him in that belief and it will happen. I have yet to experience this when I am so down in my bi-polar. Everything is overwhelming and I don’t get much done. I need to clean my apartment by Wednesday the maintenance man is coming to spray for a third time. I have been asking the Lord what He wants me to do about this correctional officer abusing me and I have heard nothing yet. I think it will just haunt me for the rest of my life, and I pray that I can be a truck driver and overcome it too. To overcome everything. I am in mental pain right now. I am doing laundry and stressed about having to stay awake to finish it I just want to go to bed and have another day like today. People usually call this monotony but to me it would be consistency and stability. Interesting how what some people hate and take for granted I WISH I had that…I wish I had life again. Matthew 10:39 KJV “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” I have done this once and had life abundantly as a truck driver. I just want it back. That time is so special to me I fear I will never have it back. Oh, how I long for this life to end and be in heaven with Jesus in His glory. To be in His kingdom not like you see in movies but way better. I thought about the kingdom age today and it brought me so much joy that one day this life and all its pain will be gone forever and all that will remain is a life as a princess and queen that I have dreamed of since a small child. I love Jesus for this specific reason. He really is going to make my dreams and, in truth, all the desires of my heart come true. With lots of love today, I will end. End.