Silent Tears-

I am suffering at the work of my own hands. I spent 12 hours today at the casino. I don’t even know how I made it home safely…I prayed to. On my way home I came down off the mental high I was on all day. I cried and told Jesus that I never want to do this again. I have been through this so many times it is a simple question of… “When will I learn?” ” When I hit rock bottom.” Well, I have been at rock bottom, and the bottom has fallen out too and here I am sinning away. I considered breaking the law again and drinking. I have not done either today but gambling always leads me to commit those sins too. On my come down it was hard to see straight. It was like I was surrounded by darkness and black was all I could see. I know these are demons. Demons attached to my sins, but I know some of it is my bi-polar as well. I started to hallucinate at the casino around 13:00 after being there about 5 hours. Then on my way home I couldn’t look past the hallucinations it was all I could see. It is rough right now. I took my medicine 2 hours late tonight and ate meat with them, so the hallucinations are pretty much gone but now I am left in a state of mind where I am trembling on the inside. I asked myself on the way home, “Why do I make my life harder for myself?” I don’t know but I do know I wish I wouldn’t do that. I guess there is not much else to say because I lost a day of life spending it at the casino. Plan to fast and pray tomorrow as I starved myself today so I could gamble. If I starve myself to gamble, then I can fast and pray to get fed the Holy Spirit and strengthen my spirit. End.