Silent Tears-

I haven’t come to you for help as I did not want help. I just wanted to do whatever I wanted to do and pretend that I have a life again when I don’t. I am hurting today. I saw something on Facebook that brought out a lot of a pain and jealousy. It is hard to watch people get handed everything or see normal people getting blessed when my life is so hard. Life is not fair. My response: “Get used to it,” second response: I am used to it but that doesn’t take my pain away. I can tell you right now I don’t want to cry about it, but I probably will.

How am I today, well I gambled today. It was so short compared to the 12-hour binge I went on the 30^th of December. It hurts…I keep doing it to myself… hurting myself. Well, my mother is out of the way now. I went against my own words to myself and texted her. She did not respond. I know now that she has chosen my cousin who molested me over me. Luke 12:53 KJV “The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother-in-law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother-in-law.” It comforted me to know this is the truth and there is truth in God’s word. It is better to be against my mother than to be disrespected by her in my own house and that she CHOSES to befriend a cousin who molested her own daughter and then won’t respond to my text for help. This is so freeing though. It makes a way for me to heal. For me to give myself better than what I have been giving myself. For me to love myself once again. It also makes room for the Lord in my life and me to trust him to provide my every need including an interview. I am still waiting for a call back. I don’t know if it will ever come. I am starting to doubt but still believe that they will call me. I am doing some soul searching apart from you Silent Tears as my words don’t mean anything anymore. I am not good for my word or trustworthy. I need to focus on just being me. Not so much time and energy in to playing at games in my life. I have been dancing with the devil and mixing God with the world. That doesn’t work out so well for me and my relationship with God. It doesn’t do well for my spirit either. A lot of silent tears are being cried today. I have to let it out tonight I have to feel my feelings. I was entering an old entry, and I allowed myself to feel feelings, and I realized that is how I heal even though it is intense and painful. I’ll end. End.