Silent Tears-

What a day. I had planned yesterday to just pay my rent and take the rest of my money and go to the casino. No cigarettes no fuel no water bill nothing just rent and the casino. Then my neighbor was down yesterday because it was the day her mother had died, so I figured she could need some cheering up. I really wanted to go to the casino today, but I went shopping with my neighbor instead. We went and picked up 3 of her grandchildren. The one granddaughter I had met before and the Lord put it on my heart to get her some Christmas gifts, so I did. I had gotten some wrapping paper and wanted to get some bows to make it really special for her. I put it off and put it off and my neighbor told me today that she had some bows, so I didn’t go buy some like I had planned. Well, there wasn’t enough wrapping paper either. I realized that I am not serving the Lord well or with all my heart. I realized that I am just like a using drug addict who lives on so little to feed their addictions and get whatever they want instead of getting their needs met first. I needed that today. So, the one granddaughter came over and I gave her the gifts. She really liked them, but most were too big. I felt really bad. It was really cool to hear her gasp at the ones she really liked. I wish I had done differently for her. She did say when she opened the snow pants that she always wanted a pair. They were too big, but she can possibly still use them. I have mixed feelings about it. I do know that her and her two other sisters came over later on and we played super Mario’s brothers 1&3 and they loved it. We also played 3 games of Skip-BO and had fun that way too. I am very tired mentally. It has been a hard emotional day as I still have what I have seen on Facebook on my heart today. I saw someone get blessed who already has much. It is hard to watch that. It is hard to see others have what my heart has desired my whole life, and I have my half-life which I struggle to get through. I did realize today that life is not about getting all your wants. It is about being nice to people, giving them relief when they may suffer in their home life. Sharing kindness and Jesus with people who have no hope. It was a good day and a very full day. I am happy to say I have women’s prayer group tomorrow morning again. I hope to get through the darkness I am in and come out with a job and life again with Jesus. This has changed from moment to moment though so who knows? I can’t be trusted but I need to trust myself something has to give. I have to give up something. It’s been a good day but a hard one. I’ll end. End.