Silent Tears-

I am in the process of waking up. It is too cold in my apartment. The heater isn’t working right. I sleep with two weighted blankets, and I woke up too cold. This apartment is my nightmare. Money is my nightmare. I want to pretend like everything is ok. I want to pretend like I am ok. So much that I will lie to myself to stay in a world of denial. I am so sick mentally. I feel like there is no hope, that I have no way out. Where is my exit sign to a better life? I don’t have an exit yet and I don’t have a sign yet either, but I do have my CDL. That is worth at least $60,000 a year at very least. I need a job. I had a nightmare about money too. I was trying to get some money, so I was going back to college. I actually thought about going back this January to get more money. I would take some writing classes to help with you Silent Tears, but then I remembered I already took English, and I got good grades and had learned how to write better. So, my exit is truck driving, and I know that now. However, I can’t leave you in my dust Silent Tears. I had a nightmare about you too. I had seen my old best friend, and she had read you she said that “I think I am putting an end to D. C. Forever. I asked why? She replied I think murdering 3 triplets is a good enough reason. It was in reference to the night in prison where I was raped. I started to explain the night in prison to her and then I had to think about if I really murdered my child. I had not eaten when I could have been pregnant but the reason I wasn’t eating is I thought they were poisoning my food and water. I have schizophrenia that way. I knew in my heart that I did not intentionally commit murder and that it isn’t my fault. Satan likes to put the blame, shame, and guilt on me to get me to sin and to condemn myself inside my head. Can you think what it is like to walk around and be condemned for every little thing. For example: I miss the garbage can… “You can’t even throw something away you piece of shit.” It is something like that and happens with the little stuff. You know it is the little stuff that really matters in life. If I can get out of this phase and into clear repentance, I may have a chance at having life again. My mind is in darkness I can tell. What to do? Write. Take meds. And cope. How to cope? Smoking, Christian music, T.V. But secular T.V. Shows make me hate God. So, I was watching the White Princess on Starz. The relationship between Henry and Elizabeth had grown into love, but there was the matter of another woman. She was the Scotland princess married to his adversary prince Richard. Henry’s mother told Elizabeth that she had to allow Henry to have sex with the Scotland princess because “He is the King.” and it is like I am low enough being a woman and a man just gets to sleep with whomever he pleases because he is the king? It is like “God, do you even care about your creation a woman or are we just disposable to you?” I really hate being a woman. When you learn that man has the God given authority to make you do his will you realize that you are of little worth. So little that God just gives your life over to his beloved creation a man. That is how I am bitter. Man is a sinner, and he cannot be trusted let alone me to do his will. This is why I will never be married. I won’t do a man’s will in marriage. I just don’t have it in me to be that woman who obeys. I need to learn obedience though. I can’t honor God as a woman if I don’t submit to his ordained authority structure and obey Him. Tough lessons for a woman to learn. I am still upset about my mother and her choosing my cousin, who molested me, over me. I cried about it on Thursday night along with crying over my soul mate. I am in a lot of pain some of it self-inflicted due to sinning. I want it all to end. I don’t get that choice though, only God does. I’ll end. End.