Silent Tears-

I am sick. Physically and emotionally. My words mean nothing. My actions say everything. I have cried tonight like I haven’t cried since I can remember. It came after hurting my cat. I grabbed him by the neck too tightly coming in the door. I put an add up on craigslist for a free kitten to a loving home and the tears just poured out. I am sad about my mother. I am sad about my soul mate. I am sad about my gambling (again today), and I am sad about my cat. I couldn’t keep the add up I took it down. Blackey might be what does it for me. I got some perspective. I get to give up gambling and I get to repent because there is still time to repent. Then I get to keep Blackey. I got physically sick from everything and being emotional about it. It all hurts and I am feeling it all at once. It is really not complicated at all it is a matter of quitting. I quit on everything else why not quit on gambling and get a life. I am fearful I won’t even get an interview at the trucking company I applied to. I don’t trust God to get it for me. I don’t even know if it is possible to get another truck driving job with my MVR and what is on it. An MVR is a motor vehicle report. There are two accidents on there one was from when I got arrested and wouldn’t pull over, they hit me with their cop car so that is on there. The other accident is from when I got side swiped on 29. Then there is the matter of losing the privilege to drive. I think that is what might do it to stop me from getting an interview. I just don’t know. I puked today after having a conversation with an enemy. This is why I say I hate all of it. Every last miserable detail of my life I hate right now. I told myself to give up asking for a gun to kill myself because I am never going to get the gun in this life. I hope I give it all up to Jesus it is the only way. He is my only way out of all of this. I could go on, but my heart can’t take much else tonight. The tears came from a broken spirit way different then from my soul.

End.