Silent Tears-

I need to do some processing. I have just listened to my pastor online and have gotten some insight and now I need to turn it into wisdom. I had a crisis of faith when I had this bi-polar episode in 2023/2024. I haven’t recovered from it. I am still in a crisis of faith. I believe that the deck is stacked against me. That there is very little to no hope for a truck driving job because of having the privilege to drive being denied me this year. That I have two accidents on my MVR and who would want to hire me. I try to believe in my own strength that I will get a job just if I tell the truth. When telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth can hurt my chances in getting the job. That I am being disobedient to God’s will for me. That His will for me is to do Silent Tears and sell items on Facebook but I cannot endure the poverty I am in, so I choose to go to work instead. Trying to figure out if God wills me to be a truck driver again. Trying to search for clues to reassure myself that I am doing the right thing. God can’t be party to my disobedience so if I get the job, I am not being disobedient. I have been trying to overcome my gambling addiction in my own strength without listening to the Holy Spirit. Example listening to my own thoughts and being wise in my own eyes with knowledge only to fail and sin. I had repented and had a repenting heart for about 40 days. Then I sinned again. I am on empty with the Holy Spirit and my spiritual health is in the death stage. I operate on feelings if I feel good, then I am doing good, but that is not the case. I lie to myself to make myself believe I am ok and ok with God when I am not. If I am in a crisis of faith still, which I am, how can I be ok? I am not. I am feeling much better today because I slept 10 hours all the way through the night. But mind is still not healed. I still suffer much because of my sins and being out of the Holy Spirit. How to overcome this. Don’t follow my feelings. Listen to my pastor who preaches the word of God and feeds my soul and spirit with the truth and be spiritually fed and revived that I may overcome all my problems. That trucking is not the end of my suffering but a beginning to endure suffering patiently. I am at a cross how to do the interview again. I still want to go into an interview and tell the truth and give the glory to my God for what he has done for me. I don’t want to stay this way and the time to repent is running out. God has shown me that by a dream. Time to think. I’ll end. End