Silent Tears-

Another day spent gambling. I don’t know what is going to do it for me. One thing is clear I can’t live this way anymore. I came to this conclusion today after the maintenance man came to do small repairs and treat for Japanese beetles again. I tried to record when he was here, but I must have not pressed the button right because it didn’t record. When he was leaving, he called me sweetie like he always does, like the creep he is. I asked him if he would please not call me sweetie and that I know he doesn’t mean anything by it but that I just don’t like it. He said he would never call me that again. He left my apartment and went to put his stuff away and leave. I went outside to smoke and he was still here. He told me to “be careful” and I asked him careful with what he said just be careful. People play a head game and as soon as you set a boundary or call them out on their wickedness, perversion, or sin then they don’t like you anymore. I would love to be bold in the Lord and hated for it, and that to damper my light and hold back words, when all these people use their money and power to try to install fear into me. I am not afraid. Hell, what else is new. I welcome it this time because I am sick and tired of it. I am sick and tired of myself too. I looked in the mirror today and loved my reflection. It has been since October 2023 since I saw my own face, since I liked my own reflection. I need out. Out of this apartment before I get evicted because they don’t like me. Before I am homeless again. Before my car breaks down. The bottom has fallen out internally again. The pain I am experiencing today is spiritual pain. I lost $50 at the casino with in like 15 minutes and it still has a mental hold on me. I still want to go again. I want to do what is familiar to me. The pain, the struggle, that is familiar to me. There is a part of me that wants to die today because I don’t stop. Because my first reaction after losing money is to break the law to get more money to gamble. I was going to today but praise the Lord I didn’t. That shit really eats at me. I have decided regardless of if I get the job at this small company that I will get a job. That I have one way out and that is trucking. I need the Holy Spirit to be able to do it through and that I am fresh out of. I am born of the Holy Spirit but not filled with the Holy Spirit. I can come to all these conclusions and have all this knowledge but if nothing changes, nothing changes. I have been trying in my finite power to have self-talk where I try to talk myself into recovery, into change, into life. It doesn’t work like that. Every time I try of my own strength I will fail. So, I am baffled on how to quit. If I just don’t go to the casino my life will increasingly get better. I am still stressed out about money through and continuing to gamble just makes it worse. I have no more money coming in and I have no fuel. I can only sit here in my apartment. I think I like it better that way because then I know I am not gambling. It is sad.

I need that job. There is nothing else to do now but work my way out of this hole I am in. End.