Silent Tears-

The darkness I was in is being lifted. I want to take God’s name in vain saying OMG but Oh Emm Gee! I finally got my anti-depressant back. I took it right away after my doctors appointment about 11:30ish and I could tell when it started to work. It is like with my own eyes I have been in a shadow of darkness in my mind. Looming in me, seeing that darkness in my sight but not understanding what it meant. It meant I was depressed very depressed. For sake of argument, I will say that I was in darkness/depression. I actually wanted to take a shower today. I feel happy. I can be happy again. I can quit gambling now. I have been gambling in the morning after sitting for a few hours and then can’t stand sitting in silence and not doing anything. This is morning medicine and is a game changer for me. Now this will help with my feelings but the obsession and compulsion to gamble is still going to be there since the last time I gambled was last night, BUT I CAN overcome this now. The joy at hearing my own voice in a compassionate voice not a condemning one. I am blown away, literally I don’t know what words to express to tell you the burdens that have been lifted from me just today in a few hours. I will say this, PRAISE THE LORD JESUS CHRIST! Light breath release with love and no stress. It is that significant even to how I breathe. I am crying

There is so much hope now. I will be able to be a truck driver and do well at it again. I don’t know how I made it through this without going to a mental hospital these last few months as I was suicidal. Pause…I have to let myself cry. Hard to fully connect with the happiness when I cried but these were miraculous tears. Let me explain a little. So, when I am in pain and darkness, I have no issue feeling that pain it’s what fuels my tears but crying because I am happy is so different that I can’t connect fully with the joy that this is going to bring me. Please do not misunderstand me, I am happy now, but there is more to be enjoyed then just this happiness I am feeling now. There are pure joy and tears of joy to be cried, WHEN I overcome everything in my life. I am so encouraged that this job, if I get it, I will be good at it. WOW! What a difference. Ok I’ll end. I could go on for a while yet because of the happiness I am feeling for the first time in about 2 years, but I won’t. End.