Silent Tears-

What a good day with one exception. I can’t sleep because I forgot to take my meds to bible study with me. I have been trying to figure out my mental afflictions and demonic spirits attacking me. I haven’t been able to do it until today. They are connected not separate. When I am at my weakest mentally an evil spirit will attack. When I am mentally strong then I get attacked spiritually. Like a double whammy. I have a small window of opportunity to repent of my sins and finally beat this gambling addiction. I am feeling better, a lot better, but it is not about how I feel that judges how well I am doing but doing well by my actions that I take. Also not to be of many words. It is not about how much you can say or how much detail you can give but not to waste your words. Say it short, sweet, and to the point. I got a chance to fellowship with some friends at church, and it was God speaking right to my heart. I need some self-control. I can do that now that I am feeling better. This is my only chance to get this right. I have been wanting to repent and stop gambling but not knowing how to beat it. Now that my depression side of bi-polar is being managed the Holy Spirit can do the rest. This time I had clean and not gambling, God was teaching me, and I had a truly repentant heart. I was filled with the Holy Spirit and could put sentences together and have words just come out of my mouth perfectly because it wasn’t me it was the Holy Spirit. Now that I have my anti-depressant which is taking me out of my darkness I can win the war. My medicine plus the Holy Spirit will make my life come back to me. I will receive some healing and be restored. I will not be completely healed of my bi-polar. It is something that I have to live with but everything I am going to experience I have been through before and that experience will give me the wisdom on what to differently this time. I am very encouraged today and had so many blessings. One was to be able to hear my own voice. Two days ago, I could put my hair in a ponytail again and got to see my own face again. Today I got to hear my own voice again. To me it doesn’t get any better that this compared to the darkness I was in this morning and have been in. Don’t get me wrong I am not ignorant that this is going to be hard and there will still be a lot of pain but THIS TIME I can overcome. I can’t fight it in my own strength but fight with the only offensive weapon God gave me the sword of the Spirit (Ephesians 6 Full armor of God) which is the word of God. It is back to bible studies, prayer group, church, morning time with the Lord, prayer and fasting and watching my pastor online. I do need to be gracious with myself but now practice self-control. I am tired just off today because I took my meds late. I’ll see you again tomorrow. End.