Silent Tears-

I am so depressed. I am still doing better than I was but am in darkness again. I can tell by my breathing, so my breath is filled with stress again but the burden on my soul is lighter. I cried today just a little bit ago. I have been thinking about my soul mate and finding myself really sad when I think of the truth of how things are in this life. Also, thinking that in all actuality I am just a crazy psychotic girl who likes a guy who she can’t have…again. It is Dezaray 101: find the best-looking guy in the room and who cares if he likes you if he’s what you want just go throw yourself at him. I haven’t thrown myself ever at my soul mate but came too close. I don’t want to think about him as much as I do. To tell the truth I don’t want to love him as much as I do because it hurts to much right now. Even if God does come through for me in the kingdom age what does that do for me now? Not much, physically he will still belong to someone else at the end of the day and I will still sound like a crazy psychotic girl even if it does come from God. I mean how many people are really going to believe what I believe that me and this man were together at beginning of creation before the fall when Lucifer took half the angles with him and sin entered into this world. I told God today as I was crying that I really hope so. I hope. I hope in a better life and to be a good Queen someday. I hope that all my dreams and emotions that are in my Christian crown of birds are not in vain that they will become a reality. I hope that all my sorrows and tears one day will be turned to an everlasting joy. That somehow this half-life I have lived will be blessed beyond the horizon. That I will be wealthy in the next life since this life is filled with so much poverty and that I will never have to suffer the way I have suffered in this life. I don’t want people to be envious of me ever. There is nothing to be envious about but I for once want to have what I wished for. I am envious of normal people they are rich to me even if they aren’t considered rich. I want to want what I have. Be satisfied and content with what I have. I am thinking incorrectly about this. I can be satisfied and content with what I have now but I am not. It is me still wanting more. I want more out of life than a $625 car, and a $735 studio apartment where I sleep in the kitchen and the apartment is infested with bugs. God, the pain, the depression, and the frustration of being powerless. I went over my very private journal that I don’t share with anyone. I share pretty much everything in here but there are things I can never say publicly that need to remain private so people don’t get hurt because that is the last thing I want to do, inflict pain on people. I don’t wish my life on anyone not even my enemies. I wish hell upon them but never this kind of hell. So, I went over my private journal entries and I have grown since I last wrote in it, but I didn’t know I was this sad about my soul mate. I want to not think about him and definitely not write about him and I can to an extent but still haven’t found a way to shut of the love for him. I don’t think I can. I think that is just my story I love someone I can’t have so I will remain single the rest of my life to not be with the wrong man. I don’t want children so that is not an issue. I love children they are very special I just don’t want to pass down what I have. Breaking the cycle of dysfunction. I need to change though. I try to manipulate my thoughts to believe what I want to believe even if it is not the truth.

And what is the truth from God? Well, I hope what he tells me and will be made known to all one day. I hope. End.